


Eyes Love You

by shvka



Category: BUCK-TICK, X JAPAN
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Cheating, Eating Disorders, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2018-08-24 09:56:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8367994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shvka/pseuds/shvka
Summary: How come they had ended up like this just a couple months after hide confessed his feelings for the effeminate drummer? Matsumoto could never find the right answer and neither he wanted to find one...





	1. December 1993

**Author's Note:**

> Please make sure to leave me a comment after reading this work to let me know what do you think, I would really apreciate it. Thank you

 

   That year the nights in Tokyo weren't the nicest, especialy for someone living in a small, cheap apartament in the western part of Shibuya. It was rather cold outside, the snow kept falling heavily for a couple days straight and if the central heating wasn't working well at all, then for sure it leaving in such place couldn't be the nicest experience. Somehow he wished he had lived in a better place but at the same time what he had now was perfectly enough for him; a small room combined with a kitchen, with enough space for a couple of his guitars and a comfortable bed. A bed that was currently occupied by a slender man sleeping underneath the fluffy sheets.

  hide chuckled quietly at that sight once he'd turned his head in that direction to see if the other one is alright. He would always make quite a mess of himself in many ways, but he was stil somehow cute in Hideto's eyes with how clumsy he could become.  
Looking back at the snow falling behind the window, Matsumoto took another puff of cigarette, feeling oddly calm that night, his mind filled with that certain post-drinking melancholy. It was almost 3 a.m. now but he didn't really feel like sleeping anymore. If the other one hadn't been there, he could have played smth on his beloved acoustic guitar at least; obviously he'd made such attempt before, but the sleeping beauty had only yelled at him, probably displeased with interupting his sleep. So for sure it was gonna be the same if he'd tried it today.  
Chuckling once again at the memory that had just came back to his mind, hide finished his cigarette and closed the window behind himself. He decided to go back to bed and at least observe the other one before he was suddenly interrupted with said male's boxers laying under his feet, making him trip and almost fall down.  
    "That fucker... " Hideto muttered and kicked the cloth aside once he'd finaly supported himself on the bed frame. "I'll teach you a lesson, princess... " He added and crawled on the bed, almost ready to hit the other one and wake him up but at the end some inner force stopped him from doing that... He was always getting on hide's nerves more than anyone else, but he was still someone very special to him. But that man couldn't have known that of course...  
However after a while Hideto was brutally distracted from all those thoughts, feeling a certain slim but strong arm hitting his head.  
   "How many times Ive told you to put that hair of yours up?! They're tickling me all the time and you know I hate it!" Yoshiki yelled in his sleepy voice and punched the other one a couple more times, at the same time brushing the strands of long red hair off his own body as if it was the most disgusting thing he could've found on himself.  
   "Somehow it wasn't much of a problem for you a couple of hours ago, bitch " hide answered in a pretty casual tone, somehow used to such reaction and just lay next to Hayashi, as if he didn't care about his mood now. Becsuse indeed, he didn't care.  
  "Shut up and give me your cigarettes." The other one spat out harashly and then reached out with his hand towards a small table next to hide's head but he was stopped by the redhead and imediatly thrown back on the matress. He wouldn't say anything, just stare down at Yoshiki's red face, trying to figure out wether it was a sign of anger or frustration. Probably both. And that was just what Matsumoto enjoyed the most.  
  "What now? Where's your courage gone?" He mused with a sly smirk upon his face, lowering himself down on the drummer’s slim body.  
  "Get off me..." Hayashi muttered with his head turned on the side, too embarrased to face his lover now but of course such move couldn't discourage the other one. Without saying anything else, hide simply burried his face in the orher's neck, his mouth opened but pressed against Hayashi's skin before blowing the air against him in a fart-like sound.  
"You're disgusting!" Yoshiki laughed and pushed him away, eventhough he'd enjoyed that.  
"What a compliment." hide replied once he pulled away from the drummer's skin and faced him properly. All he needed was him. And those irresistable lips he just needed to kiss right now.  
"Idiot..." Yoshiki mumbled quietly underneath the pressure of Matsumoto's lips pressed against his own, almost imediatly melting into their sweet caress.

 

  Another hours passed on such plays filled with laughter and joy untill Hayashi felt too exhausted to blink so within seconds he fell asleep in Hideto’s arm. hide decided to let him sleep now and just made sure to cover his exposed body to prevent him from the cold wind blowing through a slightly opened window. How come they had ended up like this just a couple months after hide confessed his feelings for the effeminate drummer? Matsumoto could never find the right answer and neither he wanted to find one, taking a look at the golden-haired creature by his side. Yoshiki looked peaceful, almost fragile when he was asleep. Without all this makeup covering his pale face and his long hair covering his slim shoulders he looked almost like an angel, a creature of the dreamland. If only he knew what Hideto felt for him...

  
  "Hide! Hideto!" He heard some voice calling out for him and waking up from a deep sleep. It was pretty unusual for him to sleep that long, he would usually get up pretty early since he didn't like staying in bed for too long. "Hide, how many times I've told you to remember about today's rehersal?!" He heard more clearly now, imediatly turning towards the direction of the other’s voice and tossing the pillow from underneath his head to silence it. "You're always so damn careless! The show in Tokyo Dome is going to take place in two days and you know how much effort we've put into this! That's except you, of course." Yoshiki yelled even louder. Indeed the show they were gonna have soon was pretty important for all of them but Matsumoto didn't want to stress it that much like Yoshiki did. He thought that they were pretty well prepared and too much effort could only worsen the whole thing. Although he'd promised the drummer to go with him earlier to the arena, now he felt that it's an useless idea and that he'd rather rest on his own.  
"Relax, Yoshiki. We're gonna do good, don't stress it." hide mumbled as he was getting up from the bed pretty lazy, looking around to avoid Yoshiki's expression and focus on the snow that kept falling behind the window. It wasn't that he didn't care about it, he did, just like the rest of X members. hide just didn't want to think about it now; the more he focused on that show, the more nervous he became and he wanted to avoid it. But Hayashi didn't say anything now. Fully dressed, he grabbed all his belongings and left him alone in his apartament. What a drama queen, Matsumoto thought as he was reaching out for his cigarettes. But then another thought came up to his mind - what if he was right?

  
What if Hayashi was right? What if hide was trurly careless, too lazy to pay attention to the band he treasured so much in fact? - hide began to question in his mind, leaning back against the closed door. He couldn't imagine his life without X at all. Of course he was a grown, independant man but he couldn't imagine leaving them. For all his life he'd worked so hard to be accepted by others and now he found those people. Hideto couldn't have left them, nor he could imagine them leaving him. He hated lonliness, he hated being alone. He hated himself for the way he was. That's it, because what if all the troubles happening to the band were his fault? What if they didn't need him at all? What if Yoshiki thought badly of him.... No, no, no, no! hide knew he can't think this way! He had to overcome that anxiety. But it was hard. It was always hard.

Within a second his legs were weak, making him go down on the floor, his back pressed against the door. Then he started to feel some hot tears filling his eyes. What if he was right...? He kept thinking over and over again, about how much the other members dislike him in fact. Always annoying, bad-tempered little fucker. Maybe they thought and said so only in a way of joke? But what if they mean it in fact...And what if Yoshiki used him only for his body? What if Hideto was just a fool of his desire? "No, no, no, no, no... " hide wept quietly, wishing he could just dissapear from this awful world right now. He hated such thoughts, he hated himself for having such thoughts that creeped him in the least expected moment. Why?

He was sad, he was angry... And hungry. That's right, all those thoughts would dissapear after a good, big breakfeast! It would have always helped him before so for sure it was going to help this time. He just needed to eat. Quickly getting up from the floor, Hideto rushed to the kitchen and almost chaotically began to search for food in a small refregiator. It wasn't that easy since most of what he had was beer. But hey, he needed that after a tough day of work. A can of two a day couldn't make him an addict for sure... Right then he found some withered vegetables that still seemed edible and some instant curry bag on the fridge's wall. Perfect. He threw it all to the pot and boiled, prepared a well amount of rice for himself and he was ready to eat. What about his thirst then? Unfortunatly, he only had some beer when it came to drink. But beer always goes along well with any kind of food, he thought. After picking a can from the fridge, he sat by a small table and quickly munched a bowl of rice and curry he made himself. It tasted good. He should have some more. So he went for another bowl. And then another one. But he couldn't have the fourth one since he was out of food now. Shit.

Emptying the can of beer, he glanced at the clock on the nearby wall and almost spat out the liquid in his mouth. Yoshiki was right at some point, it was almost 11 am now and the final rehersal before the upcoming show was scheduled at 12 am., meaning that he needed to hurry unless he wanted Yoshiki to murder him with his bare hands.  
Quickly, he ran up to his small wardrobe and picked a random shirt and a pair of his favorite leather pants. Then he started putting it on in a hurry, having a bit of trouble with the said pants. The leather was always pretty difficult to put on and needed to be stretched out properly so even the slimmest one had some trouble with getting the leather pants on quickly. Hideto was really annoyed with himself now that he couldn't put on a simple pair of pants like that. But damn, maybe it was his body's fault that he couldn't make it? He turned around to see his reflection in the mirror, still forcing the pants up his legs so perhaps it would help him do it easier if he had a better view. Still nothing. "You shouldn't have eaten those damn 3 bowls of rice, fucker..." He cursed at himself but then somethig broke inside him. Right. He was eating too much. But he shouldnt have eaten that much! Matsumoto had promised himself to stop, after all those years when people at school kept laughing at him, calling a "fat-ass" and making his life a true hell, he had never wanted that situation to repeat again. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" He yelled, hitting his own stomach pretty hard a couple of times. That's when he felt somethig bottling up in his throat. That's it! He has to let it out so he won't be fat! His face painted with hysterical smile turned to face the bathroom door.

He knew that he should hurry now, there was not much time left obviously. But at least hide was calm now. He panted, flushing down the toilet before leaning back on the bathroom wall. It was fine now, it was okay... He just knew that keeping such amount food was bad, very bad. After all the things he had went through to make himself fine, he couldn't ruin it just like that.  
Quickly, Matsumoto brushed his teeth and left the bathroom before grabbed the guitar he'd packed before. Then there was only a shirt and the winter coat left to be put on since today he didn't really feel like doing somethig with his hair, he just let them go down past his shoulders freely but still, he couldn’t forget about one of his fancy hats, this time picking one of his favorite one - a black furry hat. Shoving a cigarette between his lips and the hat on his head, he left his apartament or actually ran outside to catch the upcoming train.

 


	2. December 1993

The cold air outside felt like cutting through his skin as he kept running through the crowd on the streets of Shibuya. Somehow no one recognised him in such attire he'd decided to put on today what hide was grateful for. Today he couldn't allow being late, not really because he cared that much about the rehearsal. The real reason why he wanted to make it in time was obviously Yoshiki. Although Matsumoto didn't seem like caring about people's opinion or attitude he wanted to prevent any arguments between him and his friends, and neither he wanted to argue with his lover. Right when he had the metro station before his eyes,  
Hideto speeded up, bumping into a couple of people and almost tripping on the frozen pavement before he finally made it inside. But damn, in all that rush he'd forgotten to lit the cigarette he'd kept holding in his mouth for all that time. Not good, he thought, still forcing his way towards the train he was supposed to catch. hide just needed that morning cigarette, otherwise his mood was in a complete disaster.

 

He started to feel it once he was inside the metro train, holding on a metal pole and trying to avoid some curious stares he'd felt on him. He was so pissed at everything around; at the people staring at him and making some comments already, at the cigarette he couldn't lit and that fucking drama queen, because it was all his fault. The train stopped suddenly as it reached another station, causing hide to lose his balance and almost fall on a tall man standing next to him. Matsumoto didn't say anything, instead giving the man an apologetic gaze and tightened his grip on the pole. After all he had still a couple of stations to go through before Tokyo Dome area.   
However his peace and composure didn't last long when he heard his phone ringing loudly after a while. Without looking around Hideto knew that the stares people gave him became more intense and honestly, he wished he could have disappeared . And perhaps beat up the fucker who decided to call him now. Despite how much he tried to ignore it, the phone kept ringing all the time so he had no other choice but to pick a call, his hands shaking nervously. And damn, he was so damn right when he'd guessed who might that be. "The hell you want?" Hideto spat through the phone, making sure he talks as quietly as possible so no one will be interested in what he's talking about.   
"Just wanted to remind you that you have another meeting before the CD's release. You still haven't signed the papers and-" his brother, Hiroshi began to point out on the other side what was obviously driving hide crazy.   
"Why the fuck you haven't called me earlier?" He added harshly, peeking through the train's window to find out where he was now.   
"I called you yesterday evening..." The younger Matsumoto brother sighed. Shit, so now it was all his own fault? For a while hide didn't say anything, biting on the cigarette in his mouth and trying his best to make up the most polite answer he could think of.  
"I'm having a rehersal now. Tell the people from the studio that I can meet them around 6 p.m...." Hideto muttered and finished the call, shoving the phone back in the pocket of his coat and quickly running out of the train that had just stopped on the Tokyo Dome station. 

 

What made him choose his own brother for his manager? hide kept wondering as he walked towards the arena he had before his eyes. Hiroshi wasn't that bad, he had to admit, but he had a talent to drive the older one mad in a very short time, he'd always been like that. Fucking "fat-free" bastard... Hideto thought, finally managing to lit his cigarette so he could take a deep puff, inhaling the smoke inside his lungs intensively. 

 

With the nicotine hitting his insides the world looked a bit better for Matsumoto now. Until he slipped on the frozen puddle under his feet. "Fucking ice..." He cursed. His knee hurt a lot but he couldn't stay on that ice forever so he attempted to get up yet then again, he fell down on the pavement. That definitely wasn't his day... As he finally managed to get up, Hideto rubbed his knee to ease the pain, cursing silently yet then he heard some strange sound coming from the distance. But after a while the sound seemed less and less distanced. An applause? What the hell? - hide thought before turning around to see... His bandmates clapping their hands and looking down on him.  
"It's a honour to see you today, your highness" Pata, the other guitarist chuckled at him when Matsumoto gave him his best death stare. Then he managed to spot Toshi giggling behind his back, then Heath who pretended to casually smoke his cigarette but hide could clearly see him laughing as well. But where was the drama queen.  
"My my, late as usual, hide-chan..." Yoshiki chuckled softly, walking outside to join them with a cigarette resting gracefully between his fingers. That faggot... Matsumoto thought, cursing him in his mind but on the inside his reaction was much different when he felt his cheeks burning with frustration.   
"Shut up, cowards..." He mumbled and adjusted the scarf around him to hide the blush that looked really intense next to his crimson hair. Damn... But the other X members didn't say anything anymore and just followed him, still chuckling from time to time and lightly punching the redhead in the back. 

 

"We thought you'll never come, hide." Pata said lazily after they had entered the stage area. Matsumoto just bit his lips to prevent himself from making any comments and carelessly tossed aside his coat and the scarf before he could unpack his guitar. "What should we begin with today, Leader?" The laid-back guitarist asked, turning back to the redhead to pick his own instrument. At first, the said leader hadn't heard him properly when he was setting his drumset but once he realised what's going on, he looked around the other bandmates and rubbed the back of his head, honestly clueless about the answer.  
"Well I don't know myself, how about you, Toshi?" Hayashi said after a while, glancing at the singer who was in the middle of his warm up in the other corner of the stage. "Huh? Well..." Was the only thing he could say before escaping from the responsibility through gesturing at the bassist.  
"I told him this morning it was useless to rehearse today..." Hideto muttered in a way no one else but himself could hear his words, pulling a couple of strings on his guitar to make sure the tune is fine. And Heath still hadn't given them any answer. Perhaps he'd wandered somewhere backstage just as usual, no one really knew what he could have been doing there.   
"What do you think we should practice, hide-chan?" Yoshiki said after a while, giving the redhead a warm smile when he noticed a tiny bit of frustration painted on his face once again.   
"Maybe "Art Of Life"? It's a new song and we are not used to playing this one as much as the other songs, right?" Matsumoto suggested, turning his head back to the guitar afterwards and pulling on some strings randomly. Even though he wasn't looking at them, he could hear the sounds of agreement. Maybe the relationship between them all wasn't as bad as he thought...

 

 

A couple of hours had passed on playing now but hide somehow couldn't realise it. The time didn't exist, the only thing present now was him and his bandmates blowing up the stage with their music. And honestly Matsumoto loved playing with them any time, on the rehearsals, on the show or even in their free time. They all shared one desire, one dream - to express their emotions through the music they made, nothing more than that. When they made music together they could focus on each other properly, reach the harmony between each other not only as musicians but also as the closest friends. However the harmony could never last long, especially when the drama queen was so picky and complaining about the eventual mistakes they'd made. Yet still they all knew such quarrels weren't much of a serious problem. Without stressing it too much, they finished playing the last song they'd planned - "Endless Rain". This time Yoshiki was rougher than usual on his piano at the end, earning a big applause from his friends and the staff around for the fantastic solo. They were done now so it was time to rest before the actual show on the New Year's eve and the day before. After he'd thanked all the people who helped them today, Hideto walked straight to one of the dressing rooms. He needed some time alone to compose his mind now before he could leave for the further work. Taking a deep breath, he kicked the door so he could enter inside the room but to his surprise, the room wasn't empty as he'd expected.   
"You did very good today, hide-chan." Yoshiki said, his voice coming from a small couch in the corner where the redhead had planned to rest.  
"Thanks... You were good too." Matsumoto replied a bit shyly before approaching the drummer who observed him with a silly smile on his face. He couldn't figure out Hayashi's true intentions. The man was simply unpredictable, after all he had been exploding with anger for him just a couple of hours ago. Matsumoto didn't want to risk anything nor upset him anymore, just trying to keep some distance between them for the sake of that.   
"Move your ass." hide muttered yet his request wasn't fulfilled. Instead, Hayashi just wriggled on the couch to find some more comfortable position.  
"Why don't you join me like that? Don't tell me you don't enjoy me being close..." The drummer whispered with a hint of seductive tone in his voice, spreading his legs a bit so hide could settle between them. What that faggot thinks he's doing? - Matsumoto asked himself, giving the other one a bit confused face. But at the same time he couldn't deny that it was tempting to hover over Yoshiki right now. Biting his lip gently, the guitarist looked around the room to check if anyone wouldn't interrupt them before he moved down on the couch to hover over his lover. 

 

Almost immediately, his long hair fell down in a way they covered their faces completely, making hide chuckle sweetly at that scene.   
"You'll have to forgive me not pulling my hair up..." He laughed, remembering Yoshiki's yesterday's words. But the reaction of the man underneath him was different from what he'd expected. Instead of punching him, Hayashi reached up with his arms to wrap them around the guitarist's neck so he could pull him lower.  
"Once in awhile I can allow that..." The drummer mumbled before capturing the redhead's lips with his own, kissing him slow and gentle. Matsumoto's heart fluttered in his chest when those soft lips touched him this way, melting at the kiss immediately and answering it as sweetly as he could. For those kisses he was ready to forgive him every comment he makes, every rude thing he does. Yoshiki had him wrapped around one of his graceful fingers and honestly Hideto didn't mind that at all...   
"H-hide..." The drummer breathed against his lips, causing the one atop of him to kiss him with even more affection than before, making him express all the things he felt for him. Was that love? - hide wondered. Perhaps he'd never experienced it before or perhaps it wasn't what he would want this to be. But no matter what it was, it was good, warm and peaceful. Maybe indeed that was love? But did Yoshiki feel that too? Maybe yes, maybe not. Now hide didn’t want to think of this at all. It was their moment now, only him and Yoshiki mattered.   
Hideto’s hand wandered backwards, softly caressing Yoshiki’s tigh since he knew how much the younger one enjoyed that. And well, the drummer’s legs were beautiful after all; long, slim but he could still feel those subtle muscles that tensed underneath the lightest touch of hide’s fingers and the redhead loved it. He could already feel Yoshiki’s legs trembling when he’d began, but now when both of his palms moved in the area of his inner thighs, Hayashi’s body felt like spasming from all the excitement he’d felt.   
“What’s that? Where’s the courageous creature you are?” hide purred, feeling it was the high time to show his spoiled princess who rules there. Carefully, he pinched a bit of the sensitive skin of Hayashi’s inner thigh, earning a muffled squeal from his parted lips. His lover looked magnificient, his eyes shining from excitement, lipstick smeared all over his face as he panted in pleasure. Kinky bastard - Hideto thought before kissing those damaged mouth harshly. His lips always tasted bitterly for some reason, almost like a fine whiskey which hide enjoyed on these cold winter days. But wasn’t his lover better than any alcohol? Or wasn't the alcohol his true lover? He could never know, all he could do was focus on that unique taste, at the same time painfully teasing Hayashi’s lower regions. He belonged to Hideto now, always. He was only his, no one else’s.  
“More…” Yoshiki whined into their kiss once Matsumoto’s hands were dangerously close to his crotch, his hips thrusting in his direction carefully to show him what he needs. And indeed, hide would have gone wild with him on that sofa within seconds but… he wasn’t going to give his princess such kind of satisfaction today.   
“Come to my opening show. March 16th in Kawaguchi Lilia Hall. Perhaps I’ll let you visit me backstage if I decide you deserve that.” He chuckled before pulling away from Yoshiki and quickly getting up from the sofa. He didn’t have to wait for the answer, it was more than obvious Yoshiki wouldn’t come anyway. The drummer wasn’t happy to be left alone now, but well, he had to have his lesson after today’s morning.  
“See you tomorrow, Yocchan” he said before leaving to grab his belongings. Matsumoto had to make it in time for the business meeting after all and also he wanted to avoid arguing with his brother about getting late.

 

Lighting a cigarette in his mouth, Hideto went into a car that was waiting for him outside, quickly leaving the shape of the Tokyo Dome behind.


	3. January 1994

That month was really rough for him but somehow Matsumoto enjoyed that fact. All the promotion of his debut solo album was worth all that effort; it was his fresh start, a boost of energy he’d been needing in a longer while. “Hide Your Face”, because that was how he had decided to title the album, was special for him not only because it was his debut album. Through this work hide wanted to reveal the truth about himself, to let his fans know what’s in his mind or perhaps become even more of a mystery at some point. And he loved that concept. It was something he’d never done in either Saber Tiger nor X, he had never really had a chance to properly portray his point of view on the current society, about which he kept thinking a lot. What was that? A freedom? More likely a sweet slavery of one’s mind leading to nowhere. Emptiness that no one wanted to fight, a plain country full of just as plain worshippers of the economics. But it didn’t have to be like that. And no one else but Matsumoto could tell the others the truth. 

 

There were still a couple of days before the official release and now when he’d done all the business connected with it, Hideto could finally have some rest on his own. No rehearsals, no meetings, no recordings and most of all, no calls from Hiroshi. The last thought made hide smile as he was walking towards the fridge to grab a can of beer for himself. He wasn’t going to get drunk today. Not too drunk at least.. Who cares, he had his day off after all, hide thought. Throwing himself on the old comfy couch, he opened his can quickly and was right about to empty it before a phone ringing from the other room caught his attention. For a couple of seconds he pretended to ignore it, hoping the desperate person who wanted to contact him would lose their desire to speak with him. But somehow the awaiting speaker was really eager on that so to his own displease, Hideto had to pick that call. Rushing towards the phone, he was already planning the whole chain of curses for his younger brother. It must have been him, no one else would be so patient nor urgent with the call.   
“Can’t I have at least one day for myself, you paranoid motherfucker?” Matsumoto cursed, feeling that this amount of brother love will have to be enough for today because he didn’t want that interruption to last for long. However then he became a bit frightened when instead of a plain and calm excuse he heard nothing at all, just a pause. Damn it, could it be that his nephew, Kazuya, had made the call instead of his father…? hide knew that the boy’s mother was going to kill him if he had…  
“Heyyyy Kazuya, It’s-”  
“Who’s Kazuya? I didn’t know that you were missing me that much, hide-chan. Or perhaps you started experimenting with bottoming?” That fucker… - Matsumoto thought right when he heard the first tones of that devilishly calm voice on the phone.   
“What do you want, Yoshiki…?” He mumbled, sighing deeply to calm another rush of nerves he could sense coming now when that bastard was trying to force his way for something.  
“Apart from knowing who’s Kazuya, I want to drop by at your’s for tonight, I knew you wouldn’t mind.” The other one replied with an audible hint of satisfaction at the end of the second sentence, allowing hide to picture a smirk he was having on his face as he spoke.   
“What do you even wanna do there? And about Kazuya - he’s my nephew. Hiroshi’s son. I thought it was him who called me for some reason.” hide explained, playing with a section of his tangled red hair.  
“I feel really tensed, both inside and on the outside. I’ve had a lot of stuff going on for the last couple of days so I thought my best friend could find some way to help me~ I shall be at yours in half an hour. Take a shower before that or something. And pull these goddamn hair up for me because I don’t want them all over my body again.” He said, cutting the call once he was done.   
So that was the reason? His ass had became too stiff since the last time they “had fun” two weeks ago. If only his worshippers knew how much of a slut their idol could become… But at the same time hide knew that once Yoshiki had decided that he’s gonna come, there was no way he couldn’t allow that. He was worse than girls sometimes, Matsumoto thought, walking to the small bathroom. 

 

He showered quickly and pulled his hair up in a big bun right atop of his head, satisfied with his job. Looking at himself in the mirror, he could notice some weird tiny wrinkles around his nose and eyes but then as he looked at his cheeks they were surprisingly… puffy. Was that the greenish light of the bathroom lamp or was that something that he should had avoided… He’d always wanted to be normal, to look normal.   
As a child he hadn’t been a binge eater, he had also kept himself in a good physical form through those couple years of being a part of his school’s basketball team. But he’d always been fat and he’d always been mocked for that. All his peers and others wouldn’t have missed the chance to laugh at him. Neither his aunts and grandpas couldn’t have stop pinching him and telling his chubby body is more than cute. No, Hideto had never wanted to hear such! And by now he’d found a remedy for that, even though it wasn’t something good at all...  
But right now there was no time to fix it since he could hear the doorbell ringing loudly from the hall. Still wrapped only in a towel around himself, Hideto rushed to the door and opened it for Yoshiki.  
“Seems like you’re getting better at the preparation.” Yoshiki smirked, looking up and down on him, his dark eyes slowly watching the exposed parts of his chest, legs and arms.  
“Take off your shoes already…” The older one muttered, walking away to cover the red blush on his cheeks, realising the true aim of Hayashi’s visit even more. He was both frustrated and angry right now. hide hated when Yoshiki behaved like that but it couldn’t have been helped.   
“Maybe I should take of the rest already too? Or even let my host do that...” the drummer answered sweetly as he’d left his coat in the hall and stepped inside the apartment.   
“I think you’re old enough to take care of that yourself…” hide muttered in reply, quickly reaching out for his beer on a nearby table so he could have some sips to calm down.   
“Oh come on, hide-chan. You know how much I like playing with you…” Hayashi’s voice creeped right behind him and then within seconds the towel around the redhead's body was down on the floor. You fucker…- hide cursed in his mind, not saying anything out loud and just trying to cover himself with his arms. Yoshiki knew he was really uncomfortable with his nudity, his whole body in general. It carried many stretch marks hide wished they hadn’t been there, the memories of all those years of struggle. But the drummer didn’t care about it at all, it was his favorite way of teasing him. Bastard…   
“I thought you came here to fuck and not play at all…” Matsumoto spat out after a moment of silence between them, turning back to face his “friend” properly.  
“Why not both? Oh, hide, you’re so cute when you’re angry…” Hayashi chuckled sweetly but the redhead couldn't've been blinded by this. He was going to serve him a good dose of his thoughts about the drummer right now but before he could say anything, he noticed the younger one had disappeared from his sight. Where the hell could he go- -the readhead wondered nervously when some inner force made him look down and see Yoshiki on his knees right before…  
“Oh fuck you…” hide cursed, his face slowly changing its shade into the one that matched his red hair.  
“Soon, hide-chan. I have to warm you up first, right?” The other one chuckled again, his breath tickling Matsumoto’s tights dangerously. He was a real slut, yet hide couldn’t help but adore that slut he was…He hated Yoshiki, hated and loved him at once.   
Yoshiki didn’t give him much time to think about it once his lips began to press some teasingly light kisses up against his length, making his whole body shiver with the heat he felt. Was he that good in this or was hide himself oversensitive now? Perhaps both because indeed, Yoshiki knew how to do the job. Then once his pretty lips evolved around Matsumoto’s manhood he made a silent gasp, closing his eyes tightly and completely melting into the whole pleasure around him. He didn’t even have to look at the drummer to know he welcomed such reaction with a smile, taking it as a permission to go even further. Yoshiki’s blonde waves began to tease Hideto’s legs when he started bobbing his head up and down, almost burying his face in the base of the older’s manhood. Feeling the tip of his member hitting the back of Hayashi’s throat, he let out a low growl of approval, his hand gently landing on the blond locks down before burying his fingers deep into the hair, feeling it’s smoothness between his fingers and he loved it.  
“Enough…” he whispered, slowly stepping away to leave the younger’s mouth with a small popping sound at the end what honestly amused both of them. Their gazes met again, no words were needed at this point, in this particular moment when Hideto joined him down on the floor before throwing himself atop of Hayashi’s delicate body like a hungry beast. There was only a small hint of a smile passing before each other’s eyes before soon their lips or rather mouth were one together, savaging one another with the same amount of passion. They knew each other's bodies so well but the passionate moments they shared felt like they were doing it for the first time. The bittersweet taste of Yoshiki’s lips savoured him deeply, pulling Matsumoto deeper into the haze the younger one made him feel. His scent, his warmth, the smooth feeling of his trembling palms resting on Hideto’s cheek was all he needed. Was that just lust or love? Did they desire each other's soul just as much as they needed each other's bodies? What was that? What was all of this?

 

“Hide-chan?” The sound of Yoshiki’s voice brought him back to the reality, making him realise he’d stopped his kisses and just stared deep in his lover’s dark eyes, The silenced enveloped them again. It felt like hide became mute, unable to make any sound escape his throat right now. They weren’t lovers. They’d never been lovers. But why did Yoshiki make him this way? Of course he wouldn’t dare to ask him about anything nor reveal the truth yet…   
“Hide-chan, you’re crying…” Could that be truth? Still, he couldn’t say anything but just fall down on the other’s chest, feeling his hot tears wet Hayashi’s skin. So that was love…? The love that had been never meant to occure.   
“Undress.” he spoke in a hoarse voice, pulling himself up from the drummer’s body before he could stand up properly, looking away from him. Yoshiki said nothing but obeyed him, quickly getting rid of his clothing before approaching the readhead. Hideto was staring in the distance, looking at the dirty snow melting on the streets visible from his window. His expression was still, lacking any kind of emotions. Suddenly, the drummer’s hand embracing him from behind made Matsumoto shiver slightly. What was going on now? Yoshiki pressed his body against his own from behind, nuzzling softly against hide’s neck. He didn’t try to push him away, he just stood there, trying to compose himself but eventually he’d left that thought behind and sank his lips into Yoshiki’s again. All he wanted now was to forget. 

 

Within seconds, Yoshiki was pinned by him to the mattress of his bed, having his lips marvelling each spot on his chest which kept moving up and down harshly. By now he was breathless, his whole body spasming from pleasure and praying for being torn apart. Matsumoto was taking him slowly but deep, leaving bites and wet kisses on his collarbones, his hands wrapped firmly around the drummer’s slim waist to make sure they are as close to each other as possible. Although the room itself wasn’t warm, hide could already feel the salty taste of sweat on the younger’s body. Now there was no such thing as a gentle foreplay for him, he craved Hayashi’s whole self.   
It felt almost like their first time. He remembered that moment very well even though they’d drank a lot that time. Hideto had been pretty hesitant. Of course he’d been interested in Yoshiki for some time back then but he’d never expected him to make such bold, first move. And honestly he was surprised with it until now, with the way they ended up making love. Making love? Making what? He’d never confessed he felt anything for Matsumoto, he’d never expressed any sign of honest affection. Not even a smile, not even a gentle gaze. It hurt, but it hurt every time when they were together. Yoshiki was someone who had him wrapped around his finger, hide would do anything for him. Did he knew that?   
“Hi…. hide…” A loud breathless whine distracted him from all his thoughts. Yoshiki was getting greedy now, panting right into hide’s ear. Matsumoto didn’t want to look on his face now. It hurt, the pain of realising things was worse than ever and he hd to get rid of it quickly.   
“On your stomach. Now” He spat harshly and pulled off from the drummer’s heated body to quickly slamm him back against himself. Now it was his turn, that slut deserved pain, the honeyed pain wich felt like blade stabbed in Hideto’s back day by day by the one he loved. Not thinking much once Yoshiki had changed the position, hide dragged his underwear down immediately to expose the younger’s curvy bottom. He could already feel him tensing up, probably due to the cold air hitting his freshly exposed skin but it didn’t take long until Hideto palm slapped the other’s pale asscheeks with great force, leaving a bright palm print and earning a loud moan from Hayashi’s lips. Then another slap clashed against the drummer’s skin, then another one, and next one, hide couldn’t have enough. He knew the slaps didn’t bring Yoshiki pain at all and that he wanted this, but hide needed it just as much. After a couple more slaps, the more feminine male started to hiss in pain but it couldn’t discourage the redhead who kept slamming his ass just as eagerly as before. Such a whore like Yoshiki could never admit he wants him to stop.   
“L-last time you were rougher on me… Could it be that you’re getting old hide-chan?” Hayashi giggled what surprised Hideto a lot. Was he really that cocky? As if he didn’t know what kind of things he could’ve done to him. But he wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction he’d never deserved.   
“You dirty whore, if you think I’m here to fulfil your shitty wishes then you better go screw yourself somewhere else” hide growled, grabbing the drummer’s golden hair and pulling on it harshly, making him lift up his head and whine in pain.   
“It’s all up to my decision what we are gonna do, understood?” He added, pulling on his hair again. Yet on the other hand he could clearly feel how much it had turned on Yoshiki. With no more words after that, Matsumoto was ready to get what they both wanted.

 

It had really been a while since they made love like this. But was that making love? Making what? They weren’t lovers and they could never become such. All these thoughts kept drilling through Hideto’s mind now. It was just an illusion. Even now when Hayashi was resting calmly on his chest it felt far away from reality. Gently, he entangled his palm into the waterfall of these golden locks and watched them slip away past his fingers. How long was that going to last? 

 

What if he disappeared one day?


	4. March 1994

 “hide… Hideto?” A sleepy voice whispered against Matsumoto’s arm but didn't manage to wake him up. It was the middle of the night after all and hide was tired after the show already, not even mentioning the amount of energy he'd spent a while ago on the male resting by his side…

But in his eyes it was all really impressive, he hadn't expected the redhead to prepare such a good project on his own and create such an unique show. For sure it's rage wasn't as big as the one they had as a band together but he could tell the show had its special atmosphere, as if all the people experiencing the moment together with the musicians became locked in a separate reality which had faded after the show. There was something about the lyrics too, something that moved Yoshiki deep inside as he listened to those songs. He'd known hide for a while now and so his fans did in a way, but with this album he'd created Matsumoto revealed another part of his true self to the outside world, bared his own soul and one could say this was what musicians are supposed to do through their work. But there was something different than that in what hide had shown, something even Yoshiki couldn't fully understand yet.

“Oh hide…” The drummer breathed, changing his position in a way he could rest his hand upon the other's chest, watching as it moves up and down with his breath. Until this day he couldn't understand why he was the one hide had chosen. Was it only his physical appearance? Or maybe he'd mistaken friendship with love? In both cases, he was a fool in Yoshiki’s eyes… Because it was foolish to fall for someone like him. And neither himself he knew what love is, Yoshiki didn't doubt it that the only kind of love he'd ever experience was his love for music. But was it love or escape?

Was his relation with hide another kind of escape he'd decided to go for?

Slowly, the drummer’s fingers rested on hide’s forearm and began to stroke it gently as he drifted further into thoughts. That was when hide moved in his sleep, almost crushing the effeminate one’s body with his own but once their bodies pressed together he woke up, causing Yoshiki to gasp gently.

“You can't sleep? Want to have a smoke?” The redhead mumbled after looking at Hayashi’s face smiling at him gently. That smile was something he could never explain nor understand. Was it a honest smile? It felt ridiculous but that's how it was for Hideto, he could never figure out Yoshiki’s true intentions.

“No, I don't need it… I'm sorry to wake you up but it just felt lonely here on my own.” Hayashi replied, nuzzling against the older one’s chest. And hide froze under this touch, unable to explain what's going on. He didn't mind it of course but neither he couldn't welcome it warmly since they hadn't really shared such sweet gestures, at least Yoshiki hadn't. Not replying to what he'd heard before, Matsumoto rested his hand on the golden locks and stroked it carefully.

“hide-chan, what's going on?” The effeminate male asked, sensing that something was wrong. And actually it was weird even for himself, usually he wouldn't have asked him such, he thought it was better to leave people on their own and not interrupt their stuff but somehow he felt different about Hideto at the moment.

“Why do you ask?” hide replied shortly, the question making him tense up immediately as he doubted Yoshiki would really care.

“Hideto, tell me…” The drummer asked again, becoming really worried by now because he really wanted to know how to ease hide’s bothers.

“What do you want? You'd never say a word before.” The other one spat harshly, moving away from Yoshiki and turning on the side just to get him off his sight. However, Hayashi was determined enough to keep going, following hide and clinging to his back. He didn't want to leave hide alone with this, even though he hadn't realised it earlier there was hopefully something to be fixed now…

And it seemed like he succeeded because hide softened up after a while and turned back to Yoshiki, just staring at him in silence. There was nothing much he could say now, he was glad for such attitude somehow, but it was still something he was sceptical about. How awful of himself…

“Im okay, Im just tired after today’s show…” Hideto mumbled in response but for some reason the younger male by his side wasn't satisfied with it at all so within seconds, he pulled the redhead back for a spontaneous deep kiss. And for some reason hide didn't object, allowing for those kisses and even returning some affection yet it still felt odd.

 

* * *

 

“hide-chan, what's “Honey Blade” about?” Yoshiki asked out of the blue as he finished one of many cigarettes they’d been smoking through the past hour after they’d woken up.

“Why do you wanna know?” hide chuckled, somehow avoiding giving an answer. It was something from the past yet for some reason it seemed to come back to him now? He couldn't really tell.

“Before I left for Tokyo, I had a friend back in Yokosuka. She was the daughter of my family’s friends, we’ve known each other since forever. She… She knew my feelings for her but she never bothered about that. We talked, spent time together, later she would sleep with me too.” Hideto explained, taking a small break to take a big puff of smoke.

“And one day I saw her with that man… She was smiling at him, the way I always wanted her to smile for me but I've never seen such. I didn't want her to leave me… But she went to Kyoto with him and I haven't seen her ever since. Only once my mother showed me her wedding photo she got from her friend.” He cut off, his voice becoming mute because he simply couldn't say anything anymore. And now he wondered, why he'd told this Yoshiki?

“It felt like being crucified by your love for someone. But it wasn't something I couldn't get over, right?” hideto added in the end, breaking the dull silence that had creeped around the room for a while.

“Crucify my love… Sounds like a good title for a song.” Yoshiki replied after a while of reckoning. Right, what else should he expect from someone like him.

“Hideto, I…I know how it hurts.” The drummer whispered, throwing the cigarette in an empty can of beer that stood next to him.

“Maybe… Maybe I'm not the best at this but if you need it, I’ll be glad to help” He whispered again and clinged back to Matsumoto’s body. Maybe it sounded silly, to offer such to a grown man who was far too experienced with handling his own difficulties. But he knew how painful it was if the pain kept haunting him forever. Yoshiki knew it more than well. And then the awkward silence enveloped around them again. Was there anything else to say?

 

* * *

 

“Do you love me?”

 

What was that question about? hide had never thought of being asked such, especially not by Yoshiki. But the question caused something to break inside of him. It felt heavy. Was it the truth and it's pressure that fell on him now? He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, he didn't want to be there now. Hideto couldn't answer.

“Do you love me?” Yoshiki repeated his question, fingers tracing small circles against hide’s bare arm. And again, there was no way hide was going to tell him. Because he was sure that wasn't love. He couldn't love someone like Yoshiki and most likely the other male felt the same.

“My eyes love you. But I couldn't love your soul I believe.” He answered in the end.

“Think I’ve heard it somewhere already.” Yoshiki chuckled, falling back on the mattress.

“Yoshiki, I…” hide began but didn't know how to end. By now he was simply confused. As if his life hadn't been confusing since forever.

“Yes?”

hide’s lips replied nonverbally. He sank his lips into Yoshiki’s hungrily, kissing him so long and savagely until his head was spinning with the lack of air. But that's how he wanted it, to lose  himself on Yoshiki like that. That wasn't love. That was something that kept hide where he was, somewhere he wanted to be and where he didn't want to be at once. He didn't want to be hurt. He he didn't want to lose the one who brought him so much uncertainty. So what he felt?

Before he knew the answer Yoshiki wrapped his arms tightly around the redhead’s back and pulled him closer, his fingernails harshly scratching hide’s back hard enough to leave some visible marks. And honestly hide loved that feeling, the pain was enjoyable. The younger male knew exactly where and how to touch to make Matsumoto lose himself in his lover.  

Then suddenly Hideto flipped over the effeminate drummer so that he could hover over him and savage his whole self properly, harsh and hot. There was no doubt where all of this was going to lead towards but neither of them minded, it seemed. hide’s tight pressing between Yoshiki's spread legs proved them right, especially when a soft whine left the younger's mouth as he felt such pressure.

“How greedy you are tonight, Yocchan.” Hideto chuckled against the other’s lips once their kiss had ended and so they could proceed somewhere further. The drummer didn't respond with anything but another gasp, not holding back from now on; the only thing he needed right now was hide. His nails traced the redhead’s back a bit harder now in a way of emphasising what he wanted. And his lover couldn't say “no” to that by now.

“What do you want? Do you want me to screw you so hard you can't move in the morning?” Matsumoto teased, pushing his thigh harder against Yoshiki’s growing erection.

“Y-yes. Do that, please.” The drummer pleaded weakly.

hide thought  it won't be long until they go for the second round tonight now but somehow a mischievous idea had been born in his mind so that's why he'd changed his plans towards Hayashi. His hands wandered underneath the younger’s lower back and soon he could grab the warm and squishy flesh of Yoshiki's perfectly shaped bottom, earning a breathless gasp from his lover. Tonight he wanted to try something different, something they'd never done before, he thought.

Quickly, he flipped Hayashi on his stomach so that his ass was perfectly exposed for the redhead's caress. He could sense Yoshiki’s surprise as he'd became a bit tensed underneath hide’s touch but Matsumoto could tell he wouldn't regret that once he begins his action. For a while he was just squeezing Yoshiki’s butt in his palms, massaging it and making sure it's warmed up properly before suddenly spreading the round asscheeks apart.

Yoshiki kept calm and relaxed by now untill he shivered, letting out a small squeal when he could feel a blow of cold air against his entrance.

“hide, y-you're not gonna-” the drummer whined, afraid of what was yet to come.

“Oh yes I’m gonna.” Hideto chuckled mischievously in response before burying his face between his lover's legs and letting his tongue lick across the entrance.

Yoshiki tensed up immediately, even in those certain lower regions but damn, it felt so freaking hot, as if Yoshiki’s inner heat could burn him into ashes.

“That’s gross..” The drummer gasped but somehow didn't protest, trying to adjust himself to the new sensation. Instead of responding with words, hide teasingly pushed his tongue inside his lover’s ‘greedy hole’, letting out a small gasp when he felt Yoshiki's muscles devouring him immediately. Now there was no way he'd stop. The redhead's tongue thrusted in and out the other's hole as he was still spreading Yoshiki’s butt apart to give himself more space and deepen the connection. He knew Hayashi had broken underneath the caress, meowing and crying from pleasure.

Yes, definitely have to do this more often - hide thought.

* * *

 

Once their overexcited bodies had calmed down again, they both thought it's useless to fall asleep again as the sun was starting to rise behind the buildings visible from the hotel window. The clouds became pinkish from the sunlight, creating soft waves on the sky above them, the view hide enjoyed a lot. He loved the dawn, he always loved watching the rising sun and the light illuminating against the clouds in various colours. The beauty that wasn't going to last for long, beautiful thanks to how fragile it was. Yes, there was nothing more he could ask for today.

And now he was feeling oddly calm, calm in a way he was slightly afraid something was yet to come. But… Why would it? Was it the beautiful scenery before his eyes, the lack of sleep making his head a bit dizzy or..

“Yocchan. Yocchan, you should go. You need to leave before the others wake up.” Hideto whispered, brushing the thick golden strands from Hayashi's neck before kissing the spot and waking him up from the half-asleep state. He didn't want Yoshiki to leave but neither the band could see him being around, especially Pata who'd became a bit suspicious about them recently…

And to hide’s surprise Yoshiki didn't whine or protest. He was silent and obedient but Hideto could sense he wanted to stay just as much as the redhead wished he could.

He got ready pretty quickly, kissed the redhead goodbye and left. Luckily at this hour no one would see him walking around, especially hide’s bandmates so he was safe, he thought. Not even staff of the hotel was walking around so without any problems Yoshiki went outside and stopped, trying to remember the way to the train station from where he'd came yesterday. He grabbed a small city map from his back and tried to get some information from there but somehow he started to feel weird. As if someone was staring at him… But that was probably just his mind playing tricks on him. He had to hurry anyway so he walked away.

 

But there was one thing he didn't notice, to his own luck perhaps.

“So this is why he dismissed me yesterday.” Pata chuckled, finishing his cigarette he'd been smoking around the corner of the hotel while petting some homeless cats. Yoshiki wasn't someone he'd expected to see here recently but neither it was so surprising for him. And surely there was no way he wouldn't use it.

  
  
  



	5. March 1994

His tour "Psychommunity" had just began a couple of days ago and honestly hide couldn't tell when was the last time he'd felt this satisfied as he did now. It was his first solo tour, meaning it won't be the way they had it with X usually so that he's gonna have some more "freedom". Despite his brother manager being around, Hideto looked forward to the upcoming shows and events, feeling like he was gonna manage with all these things, especially when Yoshiki wasn't around... They hadn't really had time for meetings after their last encounter due to hide's tour organisation and somehow Matsumoto didn't regret that at all. For these two months he was going to forget about him. That was what he needed. 

  
 Sipping some beer from the can, he was adjusting the strings on his acoustic guitar before their show in Sapporo was supposed to begin. He always preferred to prepare the equipment himself, never really trusting the roadies or other staff members who felt slightly frustrated with that at some point. 

  
"We haven't begun yet and you're already drinking..." Hideto heard some familiar voice scolding him suddenly yet he didn't even bother to look up at the person who spoke to him, knowing that obviously it must be Hiroshi.    
"Stop telling me what to do, will you?" hide mumbled carelessly in response, smirking lightly at the memory of Hiroshi scolding him off sometimes when they had been younger.

  
"It's for your own good, okay? Besides, Pata was looking for you." The younger Matsumoto brother explained calmly, honestly way too used to Hideto's behaviour. Hearing his words, however, hide got up from the box he'd been sitting on and rushed towards the other rooms immediately. Somehow he could sense why Pata would want to talk to him yet couldn't he had chosen some better moment honestly? The show was about to start in less than 20 minutes and the great guitarist needed a deep talk at the very moment. Fabulous.

hide literally kicked his way through the door to find Pata reading some magazine in his room, holding a cigarette between his fingers as if it was some ordinary break. 

"Hey hide" he said, carelessly taking a puff of his cigarette and flipping the page of the magazine what drove hide nuts honestly. 

"Don't fuck with me now, Tomoaki..." Hideto cursed and walked up to the other guitarist before taking his magazine away so he could focus on hide entirely. He didn't want to play any games with Pata now, just solve whatever was the issue atm.

"Well even if I wanted I wouldn't win with Yoshiki." Tomoaki summed up as he dropped his cigarette in the empty can next to him before finally glancing at hide. 

"Perhaps this is not a thing for now but for real I don't like the shit going on here in the band." He added, his voice growing a bit deeper now as usual when he wanted to be serious. What was he even talking about? Hideto asked him that of course, using slightly less polite expression that still worked on Pata just like a regular one.

"You know how he is. Just don't let him on too much because it not good for either of you." The curly haired man mumbled before getting up to grab his own guitar and leave the room just like that. What the hell was going on with him now? Hideto was so angry now he could swear he was gonna turn the whole room into an embodiment of disaster within seconds. 

As if that bastard knew the truth! Fucking lazy-ass who thought not doing anything at all will help him the most. Yet his fury couldn't last long when he heard the announcement about the bandmembers going on stage he had to follow. How much he wished he had been alone now... He didn't want to look at anyone, not his bandmates, fans, just literally noone. People made him sick, especially in such moments when they tried to tell him what to do with his life. As if they freaking knew half of the things inside him. His head was spinning now from all these different emotions inside him, his anger boiling inside him like an acid he was going to spill on the whole world to destroy it. And soon he could make it when the first sounds of his new song "Doubt" came from the stage. 

* * *

  
The show exhausted him more than anything but he loved this type of exhaustion. Somehow his anger had calmed a bit thanks to a couple cans of beer he managed to smuggle on stage but also thanks to his fans sharing their amazing energy with him. It was a perfect time to get drunk in peace now, he thought. He deserved it after all.    
  
hide had honestly thought Sapporo would be more lively but he enjoyed it's peace a lot right now.  The buildings weren’t as colourful and stuck with neons like it was in Tokyo, allowing Matsumoto to take a closer look at some details he would usually miss in his surrounding. In many little streets they passed by he could spot a small shrine decorated with fresh flowers and fruits which already froze in the cold air.  Although it was March already, the streets and roofs were still covered with a thin layer of fresh snow that kept gently falling down from the sky. It was probably the only thing he liked about winter. Despite all that peace, however, there was still something frightening him deep inside. With no doubt it was today's short talk with Pata he had had before the show. And somehow he could sense that he's not the only one bothering about that, feeling the curly haired guitarist's eyes drilling through his back like hungry rats...    
  


"Hey, how about we stop here?" Chirolyn suggested rather enthusiastically and pointed at a small entrance to an underground bar they stopped by. All the other bandmates didn't have any special needs for now other than drinking as much as they could so they went along with the bassist's idea. Especially hide who just wanted to get as far away from Pata as possible...    
  
A few bottles of beer and shochu later hide found RAN giggling weirdly with the head on the redhead’s lap, trying to calm his hiccup yet his laughter didn't help at all. His first thought was to push him away immediately, especially when he remembered the last time they were drinking and how the said guitarist had ruined his brand new jeans with his vomit. And he was more than close from grabbing that blonde curly head and tossing it away but... Wasn't this somehow familiar? Of course RAN's hair were way thicker and less glossy than His but... Why was he thinking of that now? There was so many stuff happening right now around him so why did that man came up in his mind right now? Perhaps it was a matter of a few more beers so the thought could disappear. But somehow his other side didn't want the thought to leave. What should he do? 

 

Staring at RAN with his empty gaze, Hideto didn't even notice that certain pair of eyes that kept looking at him from behind a glass of beer. Not until he heard his friend's voice at least that suggested going out for a cigarette and hide obviously agreed yet somehow it felt more odd than usual. He knew it far too well how it felt to be drunk yet now it seemed like he distanced himself from the reality even more, as if he was stepping through a thick cold fog around him, the air filled with a strange sound of a certain voice. 

  
"Yoshiki?" He gasped suddenly when the cold air hit him outside and woke him from that indescribable state before he could notice Pata holding a pack of cigarettes before him.

 

"So you're still thinking of him?" The other guitarist asked, patiently waiting for the redhead to take  a cigarette for himself before he did so as well. Instead of answering, hide just nervously picked his own lighter from a pocket of his pants to finally lit the cigarette and breathe in some smoke. There was no way he was going to talk about this now with Pata. 

 

"How did it even happen?" The dark haired guitarist chuckled and blew out a big cloud of smoke from his mouth, gazing into the empty distance before him. Who did Pata think he was? hide thought, finishing his cigarette immediately and getting another one without even asking the owner of the pack who didn't seem to care either. 

 

"What does he do what makes you fall for him so blindly?" The other question became pretty confusing to Matsumoto by now. 

 

"What's better about him than me-"

 

"What?!" Hideto squealed, choking on the smoke stuck in his throat what wasn't something he'd usualy do. But the hell did he mean right now? 

 

"Pata, what are you talking about?" He asked again with his voice raising nervously as he couldn't allow himself on understanding the words he'd just heard. He didn't even notice when he'd dropped his cigarette that he needed so badly now to calm down. He hated such situations, he hated to be shocked like that and most of all, he hated Tomoaki for what he'd done. He didn't even know how to talk to him now, what to say. hide was just really scared right now and there was no way he'd calm down anytime soon. 

 

"Hey guys may I join? I'm out of cigs right now, you know..." Drummer Joe's voice called from the distance suddenly, making hide jump in surprise because he didn't expect anyone to come here now but he was still more than thankful Joe decided to join.

 

"Pata has some. I gotta leave for a while." Matsumoto chuckled at the sound of Chirolyn's wild scream interrupting his last words before he could head for the toilet in peace. 

 

  
 There was no way he could have dealt with it otherwise, he thought as he stared into his own empty reflection in the small bathroom mirror. 

 

"You dumb fatass..." He growled, taking a hold of the edges of the mirror and almost smashing it down on the floor but he resisted it right when he heard the door to the bathroom opening. 

 

"Drank too much again? And you said you have a strong head" Chirolyn chuckled as he entered the small room, taking a look at hide's tired pale face.

 

"Yeah.. Sorta. I'm not in the usual form lately." Hideto answered and brushed away some strands of his red hair that covered his face. 

 

"Everything ok, Matsumoto?" The crazy bassist added as he wasn't convinced with the reply he'd received. Chirolyn was one of a few of these people who seemed to truly understand hide in the moments like those. Yet the redhead just couldn't answer him right now. He simply couldn't understand what was happening honestly, his mind going blank as he wanted to forget all the things that had happened before. 

 

"hide-chan?" Chirolyn asked again, grabbing the smaller one by the arm and shaking him lightly. Still no response. "RAN is still asleep and if you don't stop D.I.E. from giving a karaoke performance you know how it's gonna end." He added, disappearing in a small room and leaving Hideto alone. 

 

“Wait!” Hideto called and ran up to the bassist, deciding to follow in the end. He just wanted to escape from his thoughts and escape from Pata because there was no way he was going to speak to him again that night. He was honestly scared of the other guitarist’s attitude. Had it been long since he felt this way for hide? Wait, what did he feel for him even? 

 

“hide-chaaaaaaan!” A low voice brought him back to reality once he walked back in to the place where they’d been sitting before. And it seemed like the voice belonged to no one else but D.I.E who was supporting himself on the microphone stand and waving at him as he tried to mumble on some lyrics of a typical cheesy karaoke song.

 

“You’re killing my ears, dumbass!” Hideto laughed at him, walking back to his seat before he found out it was stll occupied by sleeping RAN who had no intention in moving away. 

 

“As if you could sing better!” D.I.E replied, shaking from laughter he bursted out with a second later.  Hideto couldn’t care less about his stupid comments. Not now. A couple glasses of beer later there was nothig at all he could care about…   
  
  


* * *

 

“hide, I told you I don’t wanna go.” Joe growled at him when the redhead was forcefully pulling him into his hotel room. Matsumoto didn’t listen to him. He just wanted to have a drink and he didn’t like drinking alone. So that’s why he needed Joe. 

 

“It’s almost 5 a.m, leave me alone...” the drummer yelled when he was given a can of beer from a small refrigerator since he really didn’t want to drink anymore that night.

 

“What now? Have a drink with me!” Matsumoto muttered with a small mischievous grin playing on his lips the moment before he’d emptied his own can and immediately went for another one.  By now Joe knew he was lost so he had no other chance but stay and eventually hope Matsumoto would drink much enough to finally fall asleep. He put the beer aside and just watched hide walking around and mumbling something to himself, not knowing if he should laugh at this or pity him. But Pata had told him such state wasn’t something unusual for the redhead so he shouldn’t be so bothered about that but still.. 

 

“You know what, Jooooe?” Matsumoto began, jumping on the other armchair.

 

“What?” the dark haired drummer asked, brushing his hair aside and rubbing his palms against his own tired face. That was honestly too much for him. 

hide didn’t answer. Instead he became completely numb and silent for a longer while in a way Joe found it really really suspicious. They had known eachother for a couple months now and they’d been out drinking together a couple times already but it had never been something like that so he wasn’t prepared for Hideto’s unpredictable reactions. 

 

“hide?” He asked, uncertain about what was going on and what the other one meant by now. 

 

“Do you think I’m a stupid man?” The redhead asked out of the blue, gazing into the distance before his eyes with an emotionless expression on his face. That whole thing was so fucked up, Joe thought.

 

“Why would I think that of you?” The other one asked hesitantly, jumping in shock when he saw hide raising up from his armchair. 

 

“Because I’m stupid enough to fall in love.” the redhead laughed, shaking his head.

 

“Well.. that’s not stupid at all-” the drummer responded but he could never finished when Matsumoto’s voice interrupted him. 

 

“BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.” The redhead screamed, his voice filled with pain and sorrow when he smashed the can of beer against the floor. Why now? Just why? 

 

“What does he want? Why can’t that dick come to his fucking senses!” hide yelled or rather cried and smashed more items on the floor, making Joe feel truly scared. The other one had no idea what to do, afraid he’s gonna be the victim of hide’s discharge so when the guitarist focused on something else, he got up and ran out of the room for the sake of finding Pata and bringing him there for help. Joe had no idea about the whole thing and maybe he didn’t want to be affected by this at all but for sure Pata was someone who knew much about the redhead.    
  


  
To his surprise, Tomoaki took things really calm since he was used to those kind of things far too well most likely. 

 

“Just leave him there and let him calm down. He’s gonna pay for the damage later. It’s not the first time it happens.” Pata told him in a bit sleepy voice, not really bothered with what was happening with his friend. 

 

“You sure? He seemed really affected with something. He was talking something about his one-sided love or such…” Joe tried to recall, his mind becoming too hazed with the need for some sleep but he still kept concerned about Hideto. And again, Pata’s response wasn’t something he’d expected from him honestly. The said man smirked slightly and shook his head, making Joe sense he knows what’s going on but he wasn’t gonna tell anything. He was a quite mysterious person honestly… 

 

“hide is a very fragile person. But there’s not much we can do to help him at all. What he needs is solitude.” Tomoaki responded and looked up at Joe who seemed still not convinced. 

 

“He will be ok, just go to sleep already.” He encouraged the drummer and watched him walking away before closing the door behind him.  

 

* * *

  
  


Laying alone on the floor, some shattered lamps and furniture pieces laying around him, he sobbed. There was no hope, he knew that. The sun rising above the buildings behind the window blinded him. In moments like those he was sick of seeing the blue sky above.

 

No fucking blue sky. 


	6. May 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making you wait for so long! The new chapter is finally here yet I think the next one's update will take place in more than one week (I'm sorry about that but I really don't have much time) yet I'm gonna try my best to not dissappoint my readers. 
> 
> Also - something special might appear here around Christmas~

“How do you mean you guys are gonna disband?” hide repeated, unable to believe the other’s words. It wasn’t something he’d expected to hear today, he really wished he hadn’t. It was their last day on tour, the performance in Kawasaki after which they were gonna head straight to Tokyo. And now one of his best friends, Tusk was calling him to tell he’d decided to end his band’s activities. Hideto knew that those kind of things was none of his business but in a way he couldn’t believe it. He always felt responsible for Zi:kill even though he’d done nothing more than introducing them to Yoshiki yet… he just really liked those guys. And he couldn’t believe they were finishing their activities after five years of such a promising career. In hide’s own mind there was no place for a thing such as disbandment. He didn’t want to think of it, never ever. The people in his band meant a lot for him and there was no way he could abandon them, abandon making music together. Of course he’d done such before, departing from his high school bands and then Yokosuka Saber Tiger hadn’t been the easiest for him either. Yet at some point he just really couldn’t allow X breaking up. He’d never allow this.

 

“hide, are you even listening to me now?” He heard Tasuka sighing on the other side of the phone. It was clearly not easy for him either and Matsumoto knew he should help but there was some weird sensation in his guts blocking him from doing that. Why? He couldn’t tell. Probably there were too many thoughts in his head right now and there was no way he’d be a good partner in a serious discussion.

 

“hide-”

 

“Itaya-kun, tonight I’m performing in Kawasaki and then-”

Then he remembered  the other one was supposed to come  to the city as well that night. This gave him a perfect opportunity to make up for the lack of help at the moment.

 

“I’m staying in Kawasaki as well today!”

 

“You moron, you should’ve let me finish.” hide chuckled. And still, it seemed like their conversation wasn’t meant to be finished once he could hear his dearest manager knocking on the door of his dressing room to remind hide they’re heading for the scheduled radio broadcast. How boring.

 

“Itaya-kun, let’s meet in the centre somewhere when I’m done, ok? It should be all over by 11 pm.” he replied in a hurry, muttering something to his own brother meanwhile before ending the call, hoping Tasuka will survive those couple hours on his own. But damn, that disband was something terrible..

 

“How long does it take you to get ready?” The younger Matsumoto brother yelled from the corridor, knocking at the door more eagerly and to none of them surprise, hide didn’t care much.

 

“As if you didn’t know yourself, Hiroshi.” hide sighed as he tried to found a hair brush tossed someone in a huge bag of his own supplies. And there would always be too much of them since hide liked to gather together lots of different products just for the sake of having them around. After digging through the bag carefully he’d finally found what he needed and began to comb his hair quickly to make it seem a bit nicer before going out. It wasn’t so easy to take care of nearly waist-length dyed red hair and sometimes hide would go mad over it and almost shave it off under an impulse. Because they were always on the way somewhere, not even mentioning Yoshiki pulling on them very often and still knowing hide hated when he did so. For once now he wanted to feel properly prepared and refreshed. Yet his needs didn’t mean much to his manager obviously.  

 

“hide-chan, hurry up.” Wait. That wasn’t Hiroshi’s voice at all.  And indeed it wasn’t as soon hide was able to find out when Pata entered the dressing room with no hesitation, carrying a big mewling cat in his arms.

 

“I told you not to bring cats to the hotel…” hide muttered, giving both Pata and the animal a clearly disgusted expression before digging further into his bag to find a new pack of cigarettes. It wasn’t that he hated cats, he just… didn’t find them appealing. He’d always been more of a dog person anyway and if only he could, he’d adopt a dog himself. But it was impossible due to how rarely he’d been home actually, always occupied with meetings and rehearsals. Crazy rockstar life, huh?

Strangely enough, Pata let go of the cat and let it wader somewhere through the corridor before turning back to hide.

 

“Calling your younger friends so you won’t get too stiff before meeting Yoshiki in a couple of hours?” the other guitarist chuckled, starting to find some kind of delight in the expression the redhead had on his face now. His anger was reaching it’s peak by now but hide tried his best to remain calm and composed. No, someone like Pata couldn’t make him lose his temper.

 

“Fuck off. That’s none of your business what I’m doing and why.” Matsumoto replied harshly and opened the pack to grab a cigarette and calm down before the radio programme.

 

“I’m just curious, that’s all.” Tomoaki replied mockingly and walked up to hide but the redhead moved away as if he’d been pierced with a thunder the moment Pata got close.

 

“Leave.”  Hideto said in a serious tone since he really didn’t have time for this. He had no idea what was in Tomoaki’s mind, why the hell did he keep creeping him like that and what he wanted. He just wanted him to fuck off, once and for all. But the other one didn’t listen.

 

“I told you to leave, jerk!” hide yelled finally and pushed Pata away in a way he hit the nearest wall. “Leave me alone!”

 

The blood was pulsig through his veins stronger and stronger with every passing moment. He hated that man, he hated Pata with all his heart. He wanted to tear him apart. And all the other one could do was watch hide with his eyes wide open. Was he trying to understand what’s going on? He better… But then a longer while passed and he still had made no move, just leaning against the wall and barely even breathing.

“Tomoaki? Tomoaki, I didn’t mean to…” hide muttered and quickly moved closer to the other guitarist since he was afraid he’d done something to him and he wanted to allow that in all cost. However, his thoughts of concern about the bandmate left quickly and became replaced with sharp feeling of a slap pressed against his face. Now it was hide who fell back on the floor, tears stinging his eyes as he tried to understand what had just happened. Before he could react or even look at him, Pata stood over him and he froze underneath his sharp gaze. They remained like that for another while and hide was becoming consumed with fear deeper and deeper. What was he gonna do? The passing seconds felt like ages of agony in his mind when there was still no reaction from Pata. He didn’t dare to make the smallest move. The only thing he could do was look up into his eyes and see a clear hesitation inside of them. So what stopped him from moving further?

 

“You coward, you are not even strong enough to beat me.” Matsumoto breathed finally before getting up from the floor and facing his oppressor. “You pathetic scum, you have no guts either to beat me up or talk to me normally. You’re such a disgusting-”

 

“Said the one who lets Yoshiki toy with you all the time.”

 

The silence enveloped around them again. Neither of them knew what to say and they didn’t want to say anything. hide knew Pata was right at some point, even though he hated to admit that. Wasn’t his relationship with Yoshiki anything else than sex? Yet wasn’t Yoshiki becoming more emotional with him recently? It felt like falling into a black hole with dozens of thoughts flying around, each of them hitting his body like rocks. And there was no way for hide to protect himself from such pain; could he even call that pain actually?

 

“hide, the car has arrived.”

 

With not even a glance shared between them, Hideto walked away with Hiroshi who’d kept waiting in the corridor.

 

* * *

 

The radio programme went quite smoothly and strangely enough hide was enjoying it, usually he wasn’t much happy about such interviews but this time it felt nicer. Most likely it was his way of dealing with the morning anxiety that was still stuck with him until now. He still couldn’t find a proper answer for why Pata had stopped himself from beating him up in the morning. What the fuck that guy meant? At first Hideto assumed it was about some silly one-sided love Pata could feel towards him but on the other hand, he thought he’d known Tomoaki well enough to realise he doesn’t hide his feelings like that and that he’s rather straightforward. Maybe he was pissed with the relationship he had with Yoshiki wich was now pretty obvious but why would he react this way on that now? Or maybe he was into Yoshiki? No, no way, Yoshiki was-

 

_ “Said the one who lets Yoshiki toy with you all the time.” _

 

He heard those words again. They were digging through every single cell of his brain like awful insects, devouring him from the inside. Was that really happening? No… Yoshiki wasn’t like that, he wouldn’t use him - that’s what Matsumoto believed. But if even Pata could have noticed, if other people could have noticed that…

 

“hide? hide, we are leaving for the show.” Hiroshi said as he looked down at hide who was sitting in the car by his side and who had remained silent for almost 10 minutes now. His brother’s words were inaudible to him at the moment. Hideto could hear nothing but the slow and low beats of his heart deep inside his chest; why did it beat so strongly because of that damn man?

 

“Wait for me.” The older Matsumoto brother mumbled suddenly and opened the door of the car to go away and head back to the radio building. Hiroshi was calling him from behind hide’s back but he didn’t care.

 

His vision became blurry, he wasn’t sure if it was because of tears or some annoying headache that he’d felt for a while but even despite that he could find his way to the nearest toilet and let it happen. Matsumoto’s hands were trembling when he opened the bathroom door and closed it behind himself immediately. The anxiety had formed a ball of heat and disgust inside his guts and he couldn’t let it stay there. He fell on his knees right in front of the toilet seat, all the self hate leaving his body without too much effort. It went quick.

 

“Hideto what are you doing?” Hiroshi panted against the other side of the door what made hide jump up in surprise. What he thought he was doing?

 

“Can I go at least to the toilet on my own?” The redhead spat out and pulled back some hair that got in the way before. His manager was getting on his nerves again now.

 

“Don’t lie to me. I know what’s going on there.”

 

hide slammed the door opened after a while of silence and didn’t even care about hitting his brother right in the face with how much strength he’d put into this.

 

“Fuck you. Fuck you all in the fucking ass!” he screamed. But Hiroshi kept standing still, even though he was pressing a hand to the side of his face that was now becoming a little swollen from the punch. Their eyes met for a second. The look on his brother’s face was nothing close to anger. HIs gaze was full of sorrow and question. Why, hide?

 

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

 

Hideto couldn’t answer him at first.

 

“I’m sorry for hurting you, Hiroshi. Come here so we will fix it.” hide replied instead and turned on the cold water from the tap. It wasn’t that easy to admit he just couldn’t allow himself on being fat again, on being treated the way he had been treated by the others. But on the other hand, what else such a loser he was could have done?

 

Hiroshi didn’t say anything else after wetting his cheek with some cold water and gesturing at his brother to leave the room and head for the car. What had just happened was something they both won’t forget, that was certain. For how long had he known about that though, hide wondered. They never really talked about personal things nowadays. Hideto felt like he shouldn’t  interrupt the other’s life more than what he’d been doing already. Hiroshi had his own family and a tough job of being his manager after all, making hide feel he was the least thing the other one would need to bother about even if it was his job at some point. Damn it, Matsumoto was confusing even for his own self.

 

“Just don’t do something stupid to yourself, okay?” Hiroshi said once they were back in the car. It shocked hide to hear this but he just nodded in response and put on his favorite sunglasses he’d left there before.

 

“Wanna visit Yokosuka with me soon, by the way?”

 

* * *

  
  
  
  
  


The show was over faster than he'd expected it. But still, it was one of the best one he'd given during the whole tour perhaps. It was finally over, tomorrow he was supposed to get back to Tokyo and get to rest on his own. Finally.

He thanked everyone for the work they had put into this tour but it still felt like he couldn't express it with words how thankful he was. He'd never believed he would ever do something on his own yet now it happened. Hideto couldn't overcome his surprise so easily now, feeling pure satisfaction filling him as if it would never end. Was that something close to happiness? 

 

After taking a photo all together with the staff, he headed back to the dressing rooms to finally was his makeup away. Then however, hide spotted a strangely familiar person standing or more likely running towards him through the corridor. Should he run or stay? And before he could make any move, the said person was already bumping into him happily, making Hideto almost fall back on the floor with the loss of balance. 

 

“Can you tell me what's so wrong with you now?” Hideto chuckled happily at the sight of that awfully grinning face above him, belonging to no one else but Tasuka Itaya. What he really loved about the younger man was his honest happiness he couldn't hide in any situation, the happiness he spread around in a way you couldn't object. And it was just the same now, the two of them laughing on the floor like silly drunkards. From what he could figure out, Itaya came to the show despite they'd decided to meet up later but of course hide didn't mind that. More, he was really happy he came. He missed that moron quite a lot. 

 

Not even realising how and when, Itaya was dragging the redhead towards some nearby park as he insisted he really needs to go there. And when Tasuka wanted something there was no way to make him stop. 

“Why the hell are in a goddamn park?” hide yelled in annoyance once they reached some random bench underneath a broken lantern that kept flashing the light on them irregularly. It was past midnight, both of them drunk as ever and now they came to the park. With no more drinks. Ridiculous. 

 

“I wanted to talk to you. Give me a cigarette.” The younger musician replied and sat on the bench. 

 

“Haven't you heard that you should be polite for the older ones?” Hideto chuckled and reached out for his pack to get himself a cigarette, lit it and toss the pack to Itaya. 

 

“You know I don't like those.”

 

“As if I would care.” hide exhaled a big cloud of smoke that remained upon their heads for a few seconds like a fog. They both became silent for a couple minutes until they had both finished their cigarettes and Itaya requested another one. 

 

“So… Why are you disbanding?” hide began, noticing the younger one shifting slightly on the bench. 

 

“It felt like we were stuck in one point with no chance to develop. Neither of us knew what to do to improve so we decided to take a break. And after a month we came up with the idea of disbanding.” Tasuka said calmly between puffs of cigarette he took. Hideto nodded, trying to process it in his head and not drift away too far in his thoughts as more of them began to appear. There was nothing left to be questioned, it seemed. Before, he'd been afraid that there was some major issue that led to Zi:kill’s disband but now it was all clear. And even though he knew how important the band was for the younger one, hide was amazed with how calmly he treated the whole situation. If it had been about Matsumoto, he would never manage with that so easily. Perhaps it was horrible of him as a friend but now he just couldn't do more than agree with Tasuka and accept that fact. What a pity, though, he’d really liked those guys playing together. 

 

“I guess I just need a break. I won't resign from making music, that's certain. You get me?” Tasuka explained and looked at hide who kept staring at some undefined spot in the distance and forgetting about the cigarette in his fingers that had almost burned down completely. 

 

“Hideto?”

 

“Yeah… No. I mean…” The redhead mumbled and turned to face Itaya. 

 

“What's wrong?” Tasuka asked with a hint of worry in his voice and tossed the finished cigarette away. He could clearly sense there was something on his friend’s mind. But hide wasn't someone to share what he'd been keeping inside so willingly. 

 

“I think I’m in love.” hide spoke finally, his expression still lacking any kind of emotion. He heard Itaya gasping in shock next to him but he didn't really bother about that. He understood the younger one was probably clueless at the moment and he didn't know if he should explain it further or not. But now it was clear to Matsumoto. Strangely enough, that must have been love. But was he ready to admit that in front of the one he loved? 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  


  
  



	7. May 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im terrible when it comes to keeping promises. Im sorry for making all my readers wait so long. This chapter will be short but the other part of the plot mentioned there will be described in the upcoming chapter very very soon.  
> Thank you all for your patience and interest in this work in general. May 2017 be a good year for all of you!

“Who's the lucky one?” Tasuka chuckled and blinked at hide who kept staring in the distance yet his calm face changed it's shade with a rosy blush appearing on his cheeks. He'd just confessed it out loud. He was sure of what he'd said but he still couldn't believe that. Yet those feelings weren't bad oddly enough, they felt warm. Warm and… Good.

  
“It's… Well, it's…” Hideto stuttered in frustration because he couldn't be sure how Tasuka would take it if he'd told him the truth. But hey, they were friends after all, weren't they?

  
“Yoshiki?”

  
“How did you-”

  
“You're too predictable sometimes, hide-chan.” Tasuka laughed out loud and pat the older's arm with friendly affection. hide could feel his cheeks burning.

  
“Don't worry, I’m happy for you, nothing else.” The younger vocalist added and smiled at the redhead brightly. He couldn't stop giggling at the sight of his frustrated friend but he knew he didn't mind in fact. And even despite that, there was still a hint of worry hidden deep in Itaya’s heart. Yet perhaps they shouldn't focus on that. If hide was happy then he was happy too.  
Hideto’s heart was still full of confusion, he didn't know if what he felt was right. But even if it could've been wrong, he didn't want to stop feeling it…

 

* * *

  
His train reached Tokyo station around the noon, he assumed. He barely had any sleep that night after all since they'd spent the whole night on talking together, he and Tasuka. Hideto couldn't remember half of the conversation which was for the better perhaps. nevertheless, he'd enjoyed it a lot, talking about everything and nothing during such nights.  
Yet because of that now he was drained as hell, too tired to keep his eyes opened once he had to leave the train. He checked his phone, quickly scrolling past all those calls from Hiroshi he hadn’t bothered to pick before finding Yoshiki’s number. He hadn’t phoned hide even once while he’d been on the tour but Matsumoto was more that certain Pata was going to tell him everything. Right, what about Pata?  
After their fight in the dressing room about a week ago they couldn’t say a word to each other. And hide still didn’t know why all of this had happened? Why did he keep behaving the way he did about the whole situation? It felt like Tomoaki became a completly different person within those few weeks they’d spent together on a tour. Matsumoto could notice that every day, that odd tension inside the one he’d considered his friend - could he still think of Pata like that? And the way the other one would always stare at the redhead made his guts tighten at the very thought about that. He wasn’t afraid of Pata yet on the other hand he’d never felt this way when Tomoaki looked at him. Was that how he expressed his hatred for Hideto? Was all of this happening because of Yoshiki? hide thought he could trust Tomoaki, that he would support him the way he’d done through the past couple of years. They trusted each other a lot, so what had changed that? Perhaps he should apologise to Pata but was there anything to apologise from? Yes, he was in love with their best friend, why was that a problem for the other guitarist? It was all too much for him now, hide realised, grabbing his small suitcase tightly as he entered the platform. The day wasn’t over yet and goddamn it, he hadn’t had a cigarette in his mouth for nearly three hours now!

  
He dialed Yoshiki’s number for the third time now but even this time that freaking princess didn’t bother answering him. hide still held on the line, fingernails tapping on the back of his phone nervously as the other hand was occupied with a cigarette he kept pressed to his mouth. Had there been any time when Yoshiki picked the call imediatley? His lips pressed on the cigarette tighter the more annoyed he became and finally he hung up. He shouldn’t be so desperate for Yoshiki’s attention, he thought and smashed the cigarette against the ground. The cold wind blowing against his back made him shiver. Even though it was May already Tokyo was awfully cold today. And he hated it when his long hair stocked to his face after the wind had passed. He absolutely hated it. But then hide felt something vibrating in his palm and opened his phone, his eyes going wide at the sight of the number calling.  
  
“How come you honoured me with your call, Sugihara?” the redhead chuckled at the sound of his good friend gasping on the other side of the phone. “Did Ryuichi finally let you talk to me?”

“Idiot, you know it’s not like that…” The younger guitarist replied and hide could already see Sugizo smiling as he spoke. He’d missed him a bit, he had to admit.

  
“Wanna come over for a drink tomorrow?” Hideto chuckled mischievously, remembering the last time they’d met up like that and how Sugizo had been cursing him for ruining one of his acoustic guitars. The instrument itself hadn’t been that good, come on…

  
“Can’t. Taking care of Luna for the weekend.” The younger one apologised. Right, he had a small daughter after all and it was always impressive for hide how much he cared for her. Even though the child was kept a secret from their fans obviously she was certainly the most important person for Sugihara, his inspiration even. The little girl was honestly adorable and damn, as the daughter of Sugizo himself she would certainly grow up for a beautiful woman.

  
“Sure, no problem. Tell her uncle hide is missing her a bit.” The redhead replied and took another puff of cigarette in his lungs before he heard Sugizo clearing his throat on the phone, clearly indicating he wants to say something.

  
“hide, is that true you and Yoshiki-”

  
“Who told you such things?” Matsumoto nearly squealed in disbelief. How come all his friends knew already?

  
“Y-you know…” Sugizo mumbled and took a deep breath before answering properly. “We had a meet up last night. Just me, Kiyoharu, Hitoki, Pata…” It was all clear now. Matsumoto started to feel that odd warmth in his eyes. He wasn’t crying, he felt hurt. Hurt and betrayed by someone he trusted a lot. And it wasn’t about the others knowing about his relationship, it was about hide losing someone important now. Something inside of him had just shattered.

  
“Hideto? I’m sorry if-”

  
“No. It’s not your fault. Now, forgive me.” the redhead whispered and ended the call. Hideto’s head was spinning with thoughts and assumptions he couldn’t bear. He couldn’t breathe. There was no way he would forgive Pata for what he’d done. Why did it hurt so much? hide’s hands were shaking again when he tried to dig another cigarette from the pack but he quickly dropped it down on the ground again. It was too fucking much. His insides hurt, his guts were twitching inside of him in that too familiar motion and he didn’t care if he was just gonna throw up on the street here and there. That was so pathetic, that was what he deserved…  
The phone in his hand rang again. Hesitantly, hide picked the call.

  
“Are you there?” The soft voice called after a moment of silence. Matsumoto could swear it was all his imagination because why would Y-

  
“y-yeah....” The redhead gasped before he’d even released he did.

  
“Come over to my place. Now. Please.” His greedy whisper was still ringing in hide’s head. And he agreed, hung up the call and ran towards the nearest taxi, almost forgetting his suitcase. People were staring at him even from the distance but he didn’t care. His whole mind wanted to scream. Hear the scream, those lips screaming his own name. hide was a slave of this love already.

 

 


	8. July 1994

He was never keen on summer weather. He hated what it did with his skin especially. All that humid and hot air made it extra oily and sweaty and that was certainly not nice for someone who always tried their best to keep their skin flawless. Not to mention the fact his makeup could never last long in such weather. hide really hated summer.   
The only good thing about that was the small break they were given as a band in that period. Toshi had left for L.A., Heath moved to the north, Pata- Why did he care about Pata? Hideto had promised himself to distance from all that recent issues as much as possible and he managed quite well with that. But oh, certainly it wasn’t thanks to himself only. 

“Yocchan, pass me some beer!” he yelled from the depths of Hayashi’s bedroom where he had been resting all day since that was the only room with proper air conditioning. He could never stop working on something he had to get done, especially while focused on a song like this time. 

“I’m not your fucking wife or anything!” Yoshiki yelled back, making hide smirk at the sound of closing the refrigerator. Marriage had never been a thing to consider for him, never once in his life he’d wanted that actually. Neither Yoshiki had.  
The next thing he sensed was a cold can being thrown at him. That wasn’t a good decision for Yoshiki to make.   
“You fucker…” Hideto cursed out loud before tossing his notebook and the can aside on the sheets. 

In a matter of seconds, he left the bed and chased after Yoshiki who had ran away back to the kitchen. There was no way hide could forgive this. However, he had to remember how quick that bastard was actually. Despite how determined he was to catch Hayashi there was no way to make it for him now, the heat draining all kinds of strength from him. 

“Powerless already, old man?” That certain chuckle echoed in his mind a while after it had appeared behind him. Hayashi was pulling on his strings way too skillfully, knowing every single weakness of hide’s true self. How much he hated that fact, that the younger one knew too much sometimes. Matsumoto was dreading getting old one day. That was something he could never picture in his mind - himself getting old and weaker. Himself not making music anymore. And even worse was the fact he couldn’t prevent it obviously. At least Hayashi didn’t have to remind him of that every fucking time… 

“Shut up…” was the only thing he managed to say. As if he had time and will for arguing with that son of a bitch. Yet it seemed the said man hadn't had enough yet. Approaching him slowly, he eyed Hideto from head to toe, mischief dancing in his eyes. What was he going to do next - unpredictable. This time, however, hide decided the tables would turn. And he succeeded.   
“What's that? You thought you're the one in lead here?” hide whispered once Yoshiki was in his firm grip. He'd grabbed him by the hips and pushed on himself roughly, fingers digging into the younger's hip bones that seemed way too pale nowadays.

Yoshiki looked at him again, silent this time. He could see the fierce in the redhead’s eyes, something he thought hide showed only on stage. Not anymore. Those teeth piercing his skin a second later felt lethal, as if he was going to tear the fragile man apart. What did he feel? Yoshiki wondered the more he was getting lost in that pleasure. It felt savage, rough and hotter than the burning sun above them. Hideto became a madman and Yoshiki was his prey. 

He felt the back of his thighs hitting the floor quite painfully when the other one jumped on him so suddenly. Red hair tossed everywhere on his body, sticking to his skin by pearls of sweat. The feeling was divine. His entire throat hurt, each piece of skin painted with big bite marks the other one kept leaving constantly. The pain was addictive. He didn't even notice when the older one began to roll up his t-shirt to suddenly pull off him and get some access to the drummer's chest. And that was quite a chest. If it wasn't for his haze now, Matsumoto would trace his fingers against each curve of muscles covered with the ivory skin. He always admired Hayashi’s body, his slim yet firm silhouette. Sometimes Yoshiki would be able to see jealousy in his eyes when hide looked at him. Now, however, the redhead was busy biting on each free spot on the other's chest he could find. It felt like possession, like the other one decided to worship every piece of his skin. Worship or degrade him? Hayashi lifted himself up on his elbows to look at his lover properly before a thin yet strong arm slammed him back on the floor. He could feel some dull, pulsing pain on the back of his head after he'd hit the floor before the feeling was quickly forgotten. Hideto made his way to the younger's jeans and shoved it down past his hips and knees. 

Once in awhile Yoshiki could catch a glimpse of hide’s dark eyes, eyes which looked only at him. He was being consumed by that gaze, being pulled deep down into the void of the dark irises, bounded by the endless mess of crimson strands. There was a kind of monster inside of Matsumoto, the one Yoshiki always fell prey to. 

“On your stomach.” A standard order Yoshiki would hear once all his unnecessary clothing had been distracted from his body. It was rare for them to do that sort of things when facing each other. There must have been some reason for Hideto, some reason for why he didn't want to look at his partner. In moments like those Yoshiki was just clueless - was that hate or desire? 

A rough slap pressed to his butt. Another one. One more. Matsumoto was quite a sadist sometimes. Not that Yoshiki minded. The pain felt welcome. The sound of air conditioning and the hits pressed to his skin were the only sounds filling the room. Not even a breath escaped, no whine or moan. No cries. They would never cry before each other's eyes. It was just not right for such relationship they had. Again, what were they? 

“There were no condoms in your bathroom.” 

“Don't care.” 

Few more slaps. The image of palm prints that had been left on his skin was more than delightful. 

After a while, hide stopped. His hands, however, kept kneading the sore flesh constantly. Yoshiki's whole self was burning under such touch, burning with pain and excitement. The younger one turned his head around to see the redhead behind him. A few seconds later, his face was shoved down on the floor, hand gripping his hair firmly to keep him in place. hide certainly didn't enjoy eye contact during sex. 

Red strands began to tickle his lower back suddenly before he felt Hideto spat on his entrance. Both of them liked it filthy. Matsumoto didn't pay much attention nor effort to their preparation, usually doing it quick and sloppy. Yoshiki’s insides were filled with two or maybe three fingers for a moment, just enough for a couple strokes here and there before his partner withdrew them. Finally there came something they both needed. 

Matsumoto thrusted in and out quite fast. In his mind there was no need for any slow build up or anything. The way Yoshiki clenched around him in response was enough to know that. 

Hands gripping his hips strongly, ass still burning from all those painful slaps and fire he felt inside. It felt almost like music, as if he was playing a drum solo, free and unfocused. But it still felt different. While playing, his heart usually became filled with melancholy. Longing. It felt this way ever since he'd started playing drums. This time it was certainly something else. It was extasy. 

By now Yoshiki didn't hold back anymore, moaning each time he felt his partner reaching those spots deep inside. The other one was silent, nothing but rapid breaths leaving his lips. Hayashi couldn't tell why. He dared to lift himself up on his elbows and lean back against hide. It had certainly caught him off guard but that was just what Yoshiki wanted. He hooked his arms back around the redhead’s neck and turned around to clash their lips together. To his surprise, hide kept him close. 

They remained like this for a while, exchanging moans and shaky breaths between each other. Red hair were stuck everywhere against Yoshiki’s back, his whole body shivering with lust and anticipation. hide’s breath echoing in his ears. hide. hide. hide.

“Hideto” 

His vision went blank. He couldn't even feel Matsumoto tightening his grip on him, fingernails breaking the delicate skin to the point it was bleeding. The heat inside him increased gradually with each second until Yoshiki could feel it everywhere inside. All his power had left him. There was nothing more he wanted right now. 

The summer heat in the air made both of them shiver with cold. It was nothing compared with what they'd created between each other. They didn't want to part so soon either. 

Yoshiki felt something being pressed against the back of his head. Soon, the breath against his sweaty back, a shiver going through his spine. 

“hide?” He breathed, still trying to calm down after. 

“Let me stay like this for a while.” There came a quiet reply. Yoshiki allowed him stay.

 

“When we fuck, you never want to look at me. Why?” Yoshiki asked, biting on the cigarette in his mouth.  
“It's not like that. I just don't want you to look at me.” hide replied and took the cigarette from the younger's mouth. Yoshiki looked slightly displeased, following the redhead with his gaze. But the older one didn't do anything, he just faced him.  
“Why you don't want me to see you?” Yoshiki asked again.   
“I make weird faces.” hide replied and shoved the cigarette between his own lips, breathing in the smoke. Why did Yoshiki like such awful brands?   
“Don't play a dumb, Matsumoto.” The blonde ran his fingers through his tangled hair. The rising sun reflected in those golden strands hide couldn't help but touch as well. Yoshiki leaned in against him.   
Have you ever fallen in love? - hide wanted to ask. On the other hand, he didn't want to know. No one needed to know, as long as he could be next to Yoshiki now, nothing had to change.   
“Me and the fat-free dumbass are going to visit Yokosuka soon. Wanna follow?” 

“Could I?”

“But first, we have to do something about your hair. I'll cut it tomorrow and try to bleach it a bit on the roots-”

“I can afford a hairdresser.” Yoshiki cut him off, shaking his head in annoyance.   
“You expected me to do that for free?” Matsumoto laughed and fell on his back under the weight of Yoshiki pushing him down. hide enjoyed driving him mad sometimes. They both kept laughing. 

The cigarette fell from his lips, burning a hole in the rug. And he knew Yoshiki didn't like that rug anyway.


	9. September 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I owe all my readers an apology for leaving this work not updated for so long. Many things got in the way and made me postpone publishing the new chapter but finally (after those goddamn 3 months...) I'm back! And soon I promise there will be more stuff to check out in my works.  
> Secondly I'd like to point out one little mistake I've made while writing this work but I guess I'll have to let it be in the plot. Hiroshi became hide's official manager in 1995, not 1994. But still, what I write has nothing to do with reality at all so I hope you can forgive me that. I hope you're gonna enjoy this chapter and the "dream within a dream" concept Im trying to portray this time.

Right before his eyes he could see the sea of blue roses. They were everywhere around him, their gentle petals subtly moved by the wind, flowing in the air in silence. Some of the blue petals were stuck in his hair, the other ones brushed against his completley exposed body. Just him in the endless field of flowers. Taking a deep breath, he tried to figure out their scent, yet he couldn't name any flavour, any kind of sensation the smell could bring him. It was a mixture of everything at once - sweetness and bitterness, cold and hot, dull and gentle, changing so rapidly he could never properly grasp the exact sensation. All the smells hit him constantly, he could feel them on every single spot of hisbody as if they were some small sparks running straight into his veins, taking over his whole body and making his senses go wild. _The smell of extasy._  
He fell down on his knees and allowed the flowers to embrace him, grasping handfuls of blue to press them against himself, drown in them. They had no thorns, he realised,yet even if they had he wouldn't stop worshipping them the way he did. He picked one by one, slowly tracing his fingers against the soft surface which seemed fragile like a thin glass, as if it could break any seconds while he touched them. He couldn't stop doing that, he didn't want to stop. Blue roses were the only thing present in his entire mind. 

He heard the soft tunes of piano playing in the distance.

All the roses fell from his arms when he turned towards the direction of the sound. Suddenly he heard another one joining but it was impossible to find where it came from as well. The sound of the piano grew louder and faster each second, new melodies began to echo simultaneously in his head. Soon it was too much, far too much. He tried to cover his ears with his hands but it didn't help. The sounds were still there, drilling through his brain and getting louder and louder the more he tried to make them go away. Why did he have to listen to that fucking piano?! He started to scream, he wanted to mute that goddamn piano finally but again, he realised he couldn't. His own voice vanished in the air no matter how much he screamed. The air around him started to smell of heavy sweetness, waves of blue roses rising and falling in the distance as he prayed for the noise of the piano to be gone. And suddeenly they were gone.

"Hideto."

The voice he would always recognise spoke to him right now. He turned around, brushing his hair back to get rid of a couple petals that were still there to find Yoshiki standing a couple steps ahead of him. He rose up from his knees and walked towards the younger man who's naked body seemed to glow against the background of blue roses. It looked like Hayashi's hair was brighter,shining of pure gold when he got close enough to see the long wavy strands falling past his shoulders so freely. He looked perfect, far too beautiful for a human being. So stunning the other one began to fear him. 

Yoshiki opened his mouth, ready to say something but he didn't make a sound. The wind blew again, making more petals caress his naked skin. He could notice how they avoided the younger one's body, not being able to appear anyway close to him. How strange... hide looked up at him once more before backing off a little due to the shock the image of Yoshiki caused for him right now. There was a blooming blue rose stuck in Yoshiki's mouth and oddly enough he looked like he didn't notice that at all. His gaze was always focused on Hideto. 

The redhead moved closer again, this time reaching out his hand towards Yoshiki's mouth to take the flower away. When he touched the flower it felt cold, Yoshiki's whole body seemed to radiate with cold right now. He pulled the rose off the younger's mouth and tossed it on the ground only to find the other one appearing back inside Hayashi's mouth. Angryli, he did the same as before and ripped the flower out of the other's throat. The rose was different than all the others around them. When the dark stem brushed against the pale skin of hide's forearm he felt the sharp pain causing him to let go of the rose he'd kept in his grip. He could see that his forearm was bleeding, rose thorns stuck deep in his skin as if they were trying to force their way further into his body and flow in his veins. What was happening? 

Hayashi's laughter echoed in his ears. He was still standing there and smiling at hide, exposing the new blue petals falling from his mouth with each wave of chuckle. How could he stand all of it?

The moments passed and Yoshiki wouldn't stop, the petals escaping his lips formed in a small pile upon his feet, making him look like a mad deity who'd  lost his sense and sanity to the world. Was he still the person Matsumoto had used to know? Or was  that a complete opposite of what he regarded as the man who became an irreplacable part oh his life. That wasn't _his Yoshiki._

With more force and determination than before, Matsumoto shoved his hand deep inside the other's throat, stretching him apart. His arm burried itself deep inside of him, thorns of the rose stem tearing his own skin in agonising pain yet it wasn't enough to stop hide.He was still moving forward, screaming out his pain and anger, his desire. _Sadistic desire_. Nothing in this world could take Yoshiki away from him. Nothing and no one could deprave him of the one who shattered him apart and brought back together each day. 

His hand inside of Yoshiki touched something very cold. He couldn't possibly name the structure anyway, the thing itself feeling so different from anything he could consider it to be. Was that a heart? It suddenly  began to grow. 

Panicking, hide tried to move his hand out of the younger's throat yet the substance had trapped him in place, moving upwards to swallow his whole arm in lethal cold. Hideto knew he wouldn't escape but despite that he tried to, using all his force to pull away from the younger one's insides. The more he tried, the tighter his boundaries were. Closing his eyes, he wanted the cold to swallow him up already...

And suddenly another wave of sharp pain washed over his body; something that felt like a bite of  wild carnivorous animal wich wanted to eat him up here and there. By now hide didn't know whether he should keep fighting or let go, see what was trying to capture him so determinately. He still wondered, why was this all happening?

Another bite pressed to his hand made him feel as if he'd just had it bitten off, causing him to pull it off Yoshiki's body completley but it was harder than he'd expected. Something was still holding on to his hand. Something or...someone.

With as much force as he could put into it he took his hand away, stumbling over on his own feet and falling on his back painfully, rose thorns bruising him severely when he did. But all of this still wasn't the worst thing awaiting him. 

"Die!" He screamed, unable to hear his voice outside again. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, tossing around and trying his best to surpress all the mix of emotions within him. He feared the sight before his eyes more than anything, the moment he realised there was something that kept haunting him until that day. Why were those thoughts always there? 

Before his eyes, Yoshiki's body was thorn apart, split into two and slowly melting down into the sea of blue roses. From the inside of dissapearing flesh there came a creature covered in red, hidden underneath long streaks of crimson hair. Was that him for real? The creature looked up, paralyzing him with the lethal gaze of his eyes. The end was closer than it had even been before. Right now Hideto was facing his own self, the side of him he wished it had never existed. 

"Who do you think you are, fool?"

* * *

 

"Who do you think you are?!" Chirolyn yelled in the distance. That loud idiot... always managing to wake hide up when he thought he'd passed out completley. He opened his eyes slowly and took a deep breath, not ready to join his buddies yet. So that was all just in his head, right? No roses, no Yoshiki around him at the moment. And yes, that fucking noise was a total confirmation of where he was right now. Another thing that he found odd, however, was why there was no sign of Hiroshi's presence. Where was his overprotective baby brother? His fucking mommy who reminded him not to drink as if he was just a shitty higschool jerk.  Well, another thing was that sometimes he could become that indeed... 

He finally forced himself to move his head up from the table and look around, rubbing the sore spot on his forehead that had been pressed to the wood for a good while now. And damn, what was that welcoming applause for him supposed to be? Why was he friends with all those immature jerks...

"We all thought you've passed out completley, hide-chan." He heard Motoyuki mumbling against the cigarette he had in his mouth, knowing exactly how amused he must've been now despite all the dark aura he would put on all the time. Before hide could snap at him in response there was someone else who caught his attention. The dark haired girl... or a guy actualy!  He was clinging to Motoyuki and gazing at him as if he was the only person in that crowded little bar. Well, perhaps to him he was... Still, hide couldn't remember the guy's name at all or why was he there. Did Heather know about that? He didn't dare to ask even himself...

Before he could think of any answer, Matsumoto felt someone tapping on his shoulder. Despite his vision being a little blurry already, he managed to recognise Imai who seemed to have entered the moment when alcohol and cigarettes weren't enough for him. But today Matsumoto wasn't in the mood for joining him at all, especially after what had happened three months ago back in Nagoya when they had almost got caught at the back of their venue... But this idiot could never learn that he should be more careful sometimes. So in the end, hide just shook his head only to earn a punch in the arm from Imai who was gone a few seconds after the redhead tried to spot him again. When the other one was leaving, however, hide noticed something strange. Right before him on the dirty wooden floor there were petals - _blue rose petals_ creating some odd trace. The redhead shook his head. Was he that drunk or tired already?

"What time is it?" Hideto mumbled as he turned his attention back to the table. Nobody would bother answering him but he didn't really care about that. Oddly enough he didn't feel like drinking either, not when his mind started to mess with him like that... And that meant something serious was going on.

In his mind there was no space for anything else but that fucked up dream. Was that some kind of his intuition speaking up, showing a kind of sign for him? The thoughts of what exactly him and Yoshiki were came back and didn't want to leave even though that was the least moment hide wanted to think of it. His thoughts were his greatest demons most of the time... 

He heard Sugizo calling his name from somewhere but he ignored him completley. 

"Hide! Listen to me for once!" The younger one yelled again and grabbed Matsumoto's hand to pull him up from the sit and take away from the table. hide was too distracted by everything around to protest, simply cursing at Sugihara loud enough for him to hear but he knew it well that the other one didn’t really care about that. What kind of respect he had for his older friend? The answer was none certainly.

 On the other hand, however, hide was glad to be taken away from all the rest. He enjoyed their presence, he was glad to see Morrie after nearly half a year of his absence but oddly enough he didnt feel so well in all that company today. As if he didn't belong there, as if they'd changed somehow. Or maybe it was him who started to change?

"Let me go, dumbass." Matsumoto mumbled when they were finally outside before managing to get out of Sugizo's grip finally. It wasn't so common they came here during their meetings. The little street was gloomy and cold, nearly obscure. The air around them always reeked of piss and deep-fried food and hide always found it disgusting, especially the second one. Yet still it was a better place than the inside of the bar, where nobody would bother two guitarists who needed a talk.  

However, tonight they weren't alone in that little street he'd brought them in; in the dim pink light at the corner of this little street hide could spot two blurry shilhouettes dressed in some oddly extravagant clothes. Matsumoto knew they weren't whores, he thought so at least. they must've been those girls who started showing up everywhere in Tokyo recently, those schoolgirls who tried to attract older men with their extraordinary looks and weird speech where they used loads of idiotic english phrases. He really hated them and yet on the other hand they fascinated him with their courage.  Sooner or later they'd spot both him and Sugizo for sure and hide didn't really want to get involved with them at all. 

"So what happened between you and Pata again?" Sugizo asked suddenly, the other one completely unprepared for such kind of question. Wasn't it enough when they'd talked about it the last time they'd met? Recently his relations with Pata finally reached some sense of stability but the tension was still present. Even though they tried to behave as normal as possible in front of the band hide still knew some other members started to get suspicious. Especially Joe, he always watched both ot them carefully but didn't try to interrupt them what Hideto appreciated a lot. And he didn't really know how to answer the younger's question now. 

"Uh, I don't know really. And I don't wanna talk about that." Matsumoto said and looked down on his feet, clearly not in the mood for any kind of talk right now. He was tired, not only physically tired but also thanks to all those fucked up things that kept appearing in his head until now. What message his dream had? What was that supposed to mean? How was Yoshiki now? _Why was there a blue petal under his shoe..._

"hide-chan, i can see something is wrong. You're not so talkative today and you were staring at Morrie and Hiro all the time today... That was quite weird." Sugizo tried to mumble some explnation while looking for his pack of cigarettes in the endless pockets of his leather jacket. That was something Matsumoto hated about he other one, he would never resing from dropping the topic once he'd started it. Yet that didn't mean the redhead wanted to obey him. Sometimes he could be more stubborn than what the others thought he was. 

"Where did Hiroshi go?" He asked as if he didn't hear Sugizo's question and leaned against the cold building wall. He took a deep breath in attempt of calming down from all the thoughts he still had in his head but everything seemed to make it impossible. Oddly enough tonight everything annoyed him; Sugizo's presence, the nasty smell in the air around him, highschool girls giggling in the distance. Everything felt heavy both inside and outside hide's body, as if someone filled him up with gallons of cold water. He couldn't really name the spectre of emotions present within him at the moment but what he knew for sure was that he'd honestly had enough. If there was only a way for him to dissapear from that place right here and there. He didn't even notice Sugizo throwing his pack of cigarettes at him, cursing out loud when the pack hit his head before he picked it and took one cigarette for himself. Sugizo didn't seem like answering his question. Both men became silent for a longer while.

"His wife called for him, your nephew got sick." The younger guitarist explained finally before taking a long dragof his cigarette and keeping the smoke in his lungs for a longer while. Hideto could tell he was nervous  as well. He didn't know, however if it was right to ask him that. Somehow at this point he didn't feel so good about serious talks. Matsumoto chewed on the cigarette between his lips, he hadn't lit it yet due to the nostalgia filling his mind. The message of his own dream was still bothering him a lot but what was worse was the fact Yoshiki came to his mind again all of sudden.

He hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks now after he had had to cancel his promise of visiting Yokosuka with Matsumoto. Until that day he wondered what had gone wrong...  Had he done something to upset the other one? His other side knew he shouldn't be so demanding. Because why would Yoshiki care that much about what Matsumoto had to offer? They were prettymuch just band mates, co-workers and hardly someone to call friends. Their relationship was one of the most wicked ones he'd known but it couldnt've been just a simple  attachment or anything like that. They were perfectly fine without each other, maybe they could have been even better if they hadn't gotten closer at all but there was still something what kept pulling them back together. Again, he was wondering if all of this had been ever meant to occur?

"Are you still thinking of-" Before Sugizo  could finish they both heard the door being opened loudly on the outside only to witness two bodies entangled together that stormed out from the inside of the bar. Everything looked like one big mess of moans, the smell of alcohol and long waves of thick black hair wrapped around both of them like tentacles - why did they had those small _patches of blue_ entangled in random parts?  When one of them was pushed against the wall by another, both Sugizo and hide didn't have anmore objections about who they were looking at actually. Yet the two other man didn't really care about their privacy at the moment, exchanging wet kisses and shameless sounds of excitement above  the neon lights of the street that used to be a quiet one only seconds ago. As much as neither of them were surprised with the sight before his eyes, Sugizo let his friend know that it was more than right to interrupt the couple between them and so the redhead did, clearing his throat loud enough for them to hear. 

"Motoyuki, the hotel is literally at the corner of the street and I'm sure you dick won't explode if you take a five minutes walk there." Hideto mumbled, trying to sound as kind as possible and not curse at the puzzled expression on his friend's flushed face. Honestly, the last thing he wanted now was seing those two fucking shamelessly on the street. He might've been the stupid one among all the others but Morrie wasn't so far from beating him in that category. He could swear those fucking petals were everywhere in the silky black hair of Morrie's fuckboy what annoyed Matsumoto more  than a lot. How come no one else could notice them? 

Morrie didn't say anything in reply for the redhead's comment and just grabbed the long haired boy's thin arm before dragging him down the street and the said boy didn't seem to object his partner at all. Matsumoto shook his head at the sight. For now they must've been foolishly attracted with each other, nothing else. Did they even think of the future? Did they bother about such kind of things or was hide the only one who did? Perhaps if his point of view was different things wouldn't be the way they were now. But how could he fix that? Apart from knowing that the love he felt wasn't mean to occur anytime was there anything else he could do about  that? Or maybe deep inside he wanted the feeling to last? 

"How are you feeling" For real? Out of all possible questions this one was the last hide expected to hear from Sugizo. How could a person like him feel at the moment.

"Drunk."

 

* * *

 Suddenly his eyes were open wide. The only sight before his eyes was the small window of his room which was covered in darkness and the faint smell of unwashed laundry. There was no bar, no people he knew and no fucking blue roses. He was on his bed. All alone.

Hideto blinked his eyes slowly - he hadn't gone out anywhere tonight, he remembered. He remembered getting drunk alone in his room, emptying countless cans of bear and at least one bottle of bourbon and the fact he'd tried to write a song tonight. He was all alone in this little room, no single sound coming from the outside, no lights reflecting behind the window. Nobody by his side. Except for that one man haunting his mind all the time. Matsumoto looked around the room again. What was all of this supposed to mean? _Blue roses..._

He didn't even notice before his whole body trembled with a spasm of cry. That was happening so much these days he would barley notice when it began. Each muscle within his body tensed up, making Matsumoto feel more fragile, more breakable, more awful. All that shit had never been supposed to happen, he told himself when more tears rolled down his cheeks, some moving towards his lips where he could taste them in between the shaky breaths he took. They tasted bitter, bitter like fermented lemon juice. Was that how his love was supposed to look like? Shit, if only this could be called love. That wasn't even something meant to last, hide realised as he choked on a sob deep in his throat. It was all useless, he was useless and Yoshiki was only taking advantage of him. But then if he did, why would hide enjoy all the wounds he kept stabbing into his heart?  Was it a crime to love after all?

Another wave of muffled cry washed over his body. 


	10. 10. Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise to all my readers for posting so irregularly. I'm thankful some of you are still here to motivate me.

 

The cigarette between his fingers had burned out completley a while ago but even despite  his skin being exposed to that kind of heat, the man didn't really care about that. All he could focus on was the rain behind the window, the faint, blurry shapes of cars and people or lights behind the curtain of water. A complete peace, the strange world he lived in being washed away before his eyes even if it was just for a faint moment.

“I told you, smoking here is prohibited.” The shop assistant told him once again but her words were ignored a well, fainting in the noise of his own thoughts. The man put on a forced smile and threw the remains of his cigarette down on the crystal clear tile before smashing it with his leather shoe. He was glad he didn't see the woman's expression from behind. Taking a deep breath, he looked at the window once again in silence. 

“Sir, may I ask you to leave my shop?” the woman urged in a kind of squeaky, displeased voice. The man knew he wasn't welcome here at all but he didn't want to leave the place, just not yet. 

“I forgot my umbrella.” He muttered and tapped his shoe against the floor, making out some random melody that had been stuck in his head for a while. “You can buy one here.” The woman assured. The man shook his head and turned slightly in her direction.

“No money.” He said simply, biting on his lower lip. Both of them went silent again. 

The man enjoyed the silence. But even more he enjoyed the sound of somebody's voice, whoever who would like to speak to him even if it was just a pissed shop assistant. She seemed annoyed with him yet not to the point she would really want him to leave, quite the opposite, he figured. 

Before he'd even noticed that himself he was counting the falling rain drops in his head and tried to make out the rhythm they created as they fell down on the pavement quickly. Their music was indescribable, chaotic yet melodic, fast but carrying some certain softness. Gentle yet with a hint of wildness. Was he thinking of raindrops really? Or was he comparing them to someone he knew, or rather finding the similarities between both of them. 

He hadn't seen him for almost three months now and it didn't seem like they would meet anytime soon. He knew the other one was busy, his band had been reborn and so they all had to use the opportunity given to them miraculously. He knew that very well and certainly he didn't wish the other man to stop his hard work the way his band had and now they all went apart. Him and the other guys clearly needed a break from each other. 

 

He turned back on his feet when the storm outside calmed a little, feeling the freshness of the rain flowing inside his nostrills after another person entered the small shop. He didn't expect much more people here as it was way past midnight already but there was just something in places like those what made him not want to leave at all. Those small, desert streets or shops, little bars hidden among the skycrapers and blocks of Tokyo, those places and their atmosphere were something he couldn't describe nor comparw with anything. He really loved them, the dull, heavy air floating within the small spaces, low whispers of strangers and the metalic taste of the glass kissed by thousands of lips before. Those places were dear to him, those places made him think of the other one, the tempered redhead who always messed up his mind in many different ways. 

 

But he could never know. For his own good he should never know about the other one. He owed the redhead a lot, from the promotion of his band to the friendship they had. He couldn't crush all of this with his own stupid emotions. Every time he couldn't help but feel sorry for him these days, for how much he had to work, how much it cost him, for how foolishly he fell in love. If only he knew…

 

_ Hideto _ . His lips moved inaudibly, soft breath making out the sound of his name. Pata had told him everything already and every time he remembered his words he could never understand why and how it happened for hide to love this man. But even the redhead questioned that himself - was that love? 

 

“It's not raining anymore.” The shop owner informed him suddenly in the same bored tone, letting out the words in between a long yawn. The sky began to get lighter and softer, the dawn was approaching the wet shapes of a sleepless city. The man suddenly woke from the haze of his thoughts at the sound of her voice.  _ Hideto -  _ the name still echoed in his mind. It was time to leave, flow down the streets with the cold rain, cold as his own aching veins. Aching for somebody he could never make his. 

 

He didn't even bother to fake a smile as he slowly walked towards the counter to leave the place. His steps were heavy just like he wished to leave behind. Right before stepping on the wet pavement behind the border between the city and the clear tile, his gaze met the dark eyes of the woman who urged him to leave before. Her eyes, round and dark like an endless abyss to her soul were freed from the coverage of a cold mist. The rain washed it away, replacing with a spark of life both of them had been missing. Her eyes shone with hope but he couldn't feel the same. 

 

The faint image was shaken off the moment he stepped into a puddle of clear water. The leather of his shoes, now softly painted with little drops began to reflect the neon lights above his head, bathing in the vivid light pouring from the wicked shapes they made. Striking red lights hitting his skin over and over again, slapping against his brain with the memory of the red-haired man. One of his shoes smashed the red reflecting in a puddle.

 

He walked down the street, taking long, quick steps as if to run away from the sun rising behind the buildings already. He wasn't ready for tomorrow, not yet when his mind was filled with thoughts. But had he ever felt different these days? He clenched his fist tighter in a pocket of his jeans, veins crumbling and his nails digging into his skin instead of a pack of cigarettes he usually carried with himself. 

 

“Why are you such a fool?” he asked, both himself and the other one who was always present in his thoughts. How could he fall for such a wicked man? How could he not notice- The man shook his head rapidly. He would never had considered his  _ friend _ to be  this way, to allow his heart being pierced by somebody who drained him like a fucking leech. That's right, the man was a leech in disguise of a lover. He swallowed dryly when the word appeared in his thoughts. 

Turning around the corner he noticed a stray cat running in the opposite direction. The man didn't even look at it, taking slow steps forward as he stared down on his shoes wet with water. The rain had stopped pouring already so why were there new drops falling down on his feet? Suddenly, he stopped his walk and placed his dry hand on the right cheek. Slowly yet clumsily he rubbed the wetness away from his skin, unintentionally poking himself in the eye. 

 

When he rose up his head, the sharp rays of sun were blinding him, reflected in the windows of the buildings above him and the wetness of the morning streets. His eyes ached but he couldn't make himself look away, gazing into the brightness before his eyes. Itaya wished this morning had never came. 


	11. December 1994

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Did you expect the story to turn out like that? Or maybe you had other predictions about Yoshiki's secret? Anyways, I hope you'll like this chapter and leave some feedback ^^

In a silent room somewhere in Tokyo two graceful fingers kept tapping against the surface of a table. The wood was quite worn out already, covered with scratches here and there yet they only seemed to add to the charm of the furniture. But the owner of said fingers wasn’t pleased with the table at all. He couldn’t understood the one who owned it and their rather weird sense of fashion and good taste. But well, he’d always been rather eccentric, wasn’t he?  
For a moment his fingers became still and the room became filled with complete silence. Silence and smoke that came from a little chapped, parted lips situated right above the scratched little table. He’d always liked pretty things with a bit of visible damage on them and it seemed that it applied for people as well.  
“Why are you always like that? I’ve told you thousands of times to have a smoke on the balcony and not inside.” He heard the object of his thoughts sighing heavily as the man entered the room. He eyed the other one from head to toe his gaze focusing on the burning cigarette the man held between his fingers as he kept smoking, completely insensitive to the other’s request.  
“You know that Sayuri is going to murder me if she smells any cigarettes here because I promised her th-”  
“Would you stop being so pathetic? Don’t play a goddamn fabulous daddy now after you’ve left them. With this attitude you shouldn’t have married her in the first place.” Yoshiki groaned and bit on the cigarette in his mouth. The other man was really getting on his nerves when he tried to pretend being a proper father to his child who’s mother he’d divorced around two years ago. Who was else than himself was he trying to fool? He hadn’t been ready for having a family with that woman from the beginning… Even his cats seemed to have a hard time keeping up with him.  
The other man said nothing, staring at the drummer absent-mindly. Their relation had always been like that, bitter with no hint of sweetness or kindness. Occasionally they fired up themselves which later would turn either into passion or hate or even both at once. They didn’t need each other at all but for some reason each of them needed that sort of comfort from the other one. No matter how different they claimed to be that one essential thing had always been the same for both of them.  
“Calling me a fool, huh? Says the one who’s toying with his best friend’s feelings, fucking princess.” The man snarled, watching Hayashi put his cigarette down in an ashtray and trying to hold his nerves as best as he could.  
“That’s none of your fucking business, Sakurai.” The blonde man replied and looked down at a deep scratch on the black wood, probably made by one of those goddamn cats that were everywhere in that house.  
“Just how long are you planning on hiding that from him? At this point even Pata knows about your secret and you know how fragile hide-”  
“That’s none of your business.” Yoshiki repeated, the tone of his voice rising suddenly what sounded nearly like a muffled scream. He knew what he was doing and he didn’t plan on changing. There was enough of regret in his life already.  
Before he could realise, he was reaching out for another cigarette from the package before Atsushi’s hand stopped him suddenly. Hayashi looked upwards, burning the other one with his gaze but the man seemed completely untouched. He’d known him for quite some time now after all.  
“Yoshiki, you have to tell him. Either it’s gonna be you telling him about us or we can end it here and there. You have to make a choice.” The dark haired man explained, brushing his own hair behind his ear in order to have a better view at the younger male sitting before him. He watched Yoshiki bit his lip and release it slowly, making his lips shine with wetness and tremble a little. Even though he tried his best to hide it there was no way for Atsushi to miss the uncertanity coming from him. He just knew.  
“I’m not in love with you.” Yoshiki breathed out slowly.  
“I’m not in love with you either.” Atsushi replied, his hand softly stroking the back of Hayashi’s palm in a calming gesture. Indeed, in this relationship there was no place for love but on the other hand neither of them could let go of each other so easily even though they’d tried before.  
Yoshiki tried to swallow the small lump of guilt he felt in his throat but there was something that stopped him from doing that. It felt as if somebody was strangling him, as if there was a pair of hands gripping his thin throat and squeezing hard enough to deprive him from taking a breath but not hard enough to make him pass out. This feeling was almost permanent for him these days no matter how hard he tried to forget about it. He deserved it, he knew he deserved it after what he did and what he was doing to his friends, to that one certain person in particular.  
Stretching out his leg, he kicked the table down on the floor making the ash spill on the floor. He kicked it again and again, rose up from the chair and soon the was madly kicking and smashing the small table against the floor, feeling the black wood crack and break slowly the more he damaged it. With each time he felt the table hit the floor he could feel the grip on his neck tightening as if there were more hands coming to strangle him, coming from all the people he’d hurt. His family, his bandmates, his own father, him.  
There he was, gripping his throat tightly and ready to break it in a matter of moments just like Hayashi was smashing the table into pieces. His eyes were focused on Yoshiki, they always were even when he pretended not to look at the younger one. One more, one more second and he was going to die slowly crushed by his palms, staring into his deep dark eyes until his vision goes blank. He would make him die slowly, making sure he was watching him and that he knows he’s being watched; that was what the other one must have felt inside of him for all this time, the suffocating feeling, the slow agony brought by the thought of Hayashi never being able to love someone back.  
“Are you done?” Sakurai asked when Yoshiki stopped the damage. The table or rather his remains were scattered on the floor what immediately received the attention of Sakurai’s curious cats. Yoshiki was on his knees, breathing quick and heavily in order to slow down the thoughts buzzing in his head. He was an awful person after all, wasn’t he?  
“That was my favorite coffe table, you know?” The man laughed darkly and approached the other one who was still sitting on the floor. “I could tell you didn’t like it, especially the scratches it carried but well, call me a weirdo, I liked them.” He admitted.  
“Hey, Atsushi…” Yoshiki whispered and turned his head to see Atsushi collecting the broken pieces and gathering them in one place on the floor. “Atsushi!” He rose up his voice in order to make the other one look at him. When he did, Hayashi slowly crawled towards him and up into the other man’s lap. He placed his palms on the sides of Atsushi’s face, his fingertips brushing slowly against his prominent cheekbones and the puffy lower lids. He smiled when Sakurai closed his eyes, thick eyelashes tickling his fingers slightly before he moved them upwards to keep his eyes closed. The silence enveloped them once again, broken occasionally by the quiet purrs and mewls of the cats walking around in the room.  
“I… I decided to tell him.” Yoshiki confessed, stroking the surface of Sakurai’s thin eyelids that seemed like a curtain separating their small world from the night sky of his eyes.  
“And that this is gonna be our last time.” He added, leaning to brush his lips against the top of Atsushi’s head, drowning in the silky soft waves of black hair. It was funny to feel the difference between the two of them, between the damaged streaks of dry red mess of hair which he could almost never tame. It had been a while…  
“You never change, do you?” Sakurai laughed softly, earning a not so gentle punch from the man sitting in his lap. He might change, he might not.  
“Kiss me goodbye” Hayashi said softly, bringing their lips close enough to brush their skin together, feel the faint taste of regret lingering between both of them. That had never been meant to last, they both knew that. Despite that Yoshiki felt that they both needed it, needed the closeness and the lack of boundaries between them. They would never return to that afterwards.  
Their kiss was long yet not deep, filled with calm breaths that were so different from usual. The kiss that carried no feelings, no emotions even.  
“Yoshiki.” he felt the other man whispering against his lips. He pulled away to look at the dark haired man, his sharp features nearly glowing in the faint light coming from another room. His black hair was now a mess falling on both of their shoulders pressed tightly together. Somehow Atsushi couldn't look at him at all but when he knew that Yoshiki was focused on him, he moved closer to the drummer's ear, feeling how his own breath tickled the smaller man’s neck in a way he trembled like a leaf in a gentle breeze.  
“Don't hide your scratches. At least not from him.” He said, finishing his words with a small peck pressed right above Yoshiki's ear, feeling the softness of his golden hair for the very last time. The sadness he felt was utterly beautiful. For a couple of seconds Yoshiki forgot how to breathe. 

Almost a year ago he had been in the same place. It felt nearly the same as the snowflakes were clinging tightly to his coat and his cheeks. The cold was what he needed right now when on the inside he was about to burn down. One year ago he'd been there too but he hadn't been the same person back then. No, not at all. That person would never care for him after all… Now it was time to change that.  
He watched a puff of steam formed by his breath fade away in the cold air for a couple of seconds as he tried to gather some courage. Why was that so hard to do? In the end, he finally dialed a button with the number of his apartment.  
“Who's that?” the voice asked rapidly.  
“It's me, Hideto. Can I come in?” He said, his voice trembling from cold and a hint of fear. In the end he was let inside after a few moments of silence. He could swear his heart was ready to burst out of his chest any second as he walked upstairs to meet what was awaiting him. When he entered the very familiar space of the other's house, he froze at the sight of the man before his eyes. 

“hide-”


	12. XII.December 1994

“hide, where have you put my jacket?” Yoshiki heard a deep, husky voice coming from a nearby room before he managed to eye the jacket hanging on the door that he’d noticed before. What on the earth was going on there and why was that person in his house out of everyone else?  
“You’ve left it hanging on the door, dumbass.” hide replied sharply as he was walking towards Yoshiki who was still standing in the door to the apartament, trying to process all the things he’d just observed. “Yo, Yoshiki” he heard the redhead saying but it felt as if his voice came from far away, that somehow the space right before him became more distant than before. “Don’t stand in here, come in” Matsumoto mumbled when he reached out to take the old worn out leather jacket from the top of the door and dug his hand into one of the pockets to find an unpacked pack of cigarettes his friend must’ve left in there.

“Want some?” he asked the drummer who slowly shed his thick coat and threw it on the pile of Matsumoto’s clothes that would always lay somewhere at the entrance to his home before turning his head at him. He didn’t say anything at all and took one cigarette from the unwrapped package, biting harshly on the end he held in his mouth.

“Oh no, don’t you dare stealing my cigs again-” there came a soft husky laughter again and now Yoshiki had no doubt that his guess had been right.  
It was obviously Tasuka, the idiot he’d never liked at all. But for hide’s pleas he would’ve never had accepted his shitty little band and allow them to join his record label. They weren’t as bad as he’d thought, though he was more than certain that he aimed for more quality bands to deal with. What Hayashi hated even more was that Itaya had began to spend more and more time with hide lately which he’d hoped would’ve ended after the release of their fabulous movie. But there he was again, always getting into people’s business.

“Why is he here?” Hayashi couldn’t help but snarl at the man who didn’t bother about his presence at all, digging into the pocket of his jeans in order to find a lighter.  
“Hey, what’s wrong, Yocchan?” The redhead asked in confusion as his friend lit a cigarette for him. Obviously he wouldn’t notice that these two didn’t fancy each other’s presence at all… But the drummer wasn’t in the mood for arguments at all, he knew why he’d come here for. “Tasuka, give us a moment.” He said, biting on his cigarette once more in a way he almost bit it off and waited until the man disappeared in the kitchen again. Without taking any more time, he grabbed Hideto’s narrow wirst and dragged him into the bathroom which was the farthest room from the kitchen.

Hayashi pushed the smaller man inside and quickly locked the door behind them, dropping his cig on the floor.  
“What the fuck? What are you doing?” Matsumoto yelled at him and eyed the drummer nervously, unable to predict wether he was horny again or something was really going on.  
He hadn’t expected this part to be so hard. Now that they were finally alone he had to say this finally, be honest with the other one the way he couldn’t have been in the last few months. Was he going to hate him? Undoubtedly. Was Yoshiki prepared for this? He couldn’t tell. There was just something inside of him telling him to do that right now but he couldn’t make a single sound escape his throat, just as if somebody was strangling hima gain. Perhaps he was indeed, staring at him with his cold dark eyes again and awaiting any sort of reaction from the drummer who kept staring at the floor while breathing rapidly. There was no way back, he didn’t want to hide his scratches from the other one anymore.

“hide, I… I was seeing Sakurai for some time, you know... “ he muttered and lost his voice again, waiting to gain some more strength before he could go on. “We were sleeping together. Not anymore though.” He confessed and dared to look up at Matsumoto who leaned back against the sink, his skin glowing with green light coming from an old lamp above the small mirror. He hadn’t changed it since a year ago, Hayashi thought amused. The other man didn’t make a sound, patiently waiting for the drummer to speak while he let out puffs of smoke from his lips from time to time. They stood facing each other for a couple of minutes before hide threw the butt of his cig into the sink behind him and turned to face Yoshiki again. When he made sure that he didn’t want to say anything more, he sighed, running his hand through the strands of his messy red hair.

“Who do you think I am, Hayashi?” he said coldly, staring into the other’s eyes in which he saw a glimpse of fear and surprise. “You really think I was that stupid, that I haven’t seen anything?” Matsumoto laughed bitterly and took a step closer towards the blonde man who stood by the opposite wall. “Did you really think that I was so fooled by you, that you could toy with me as you please?” He asked once again, the tone of his voice changing a bit as he rose it a bit. What was the other one expecting him to do or say?

“Who is the foolish one here?”

Could it be that he had no idea at all? That he had never once thought about all the times his heart was being pierced by the thought of him? The fact that the feeling he had for him was never meant to happen, to see the daylight which he cursed every single day. The shock on Yoshiki’s face was telling him everything he needed to know.  
“I…, hide, I-” Yoshiki tried to say something that came out of his lips as nothing more than a muffled stutter. He kept wondering if it was even okay to say something in the moment like that. After all he’d totally fucked up just a moment ago.

‘Don’t try to explain yourself, it won’t change anything.” Hideto said softly, trying his best to make his voice sound as calm as he could even though he felt like screaming at the top of his lungs. He wanted to scream at Hayashi, yell at him to the point the younger one would go deaf, make sure he listens to every single sound, every word he had to tell him about how painful it was to love him. Love. Because that was the thing, he realised and there was no way he could deny that anyway.  
“I’ve never expected you to be considerate about anyone’s feelings, you know? I haven’t even expected that whole thing, that we would become such good fuckbuddies.” hide laughed, chewing at his bottom lip subtly as the thoughts kept forming in his mind. “I thought you were the one who understands me. You know, both you and I see the world in a certain way, neither of us believes in love at all. It’s nothing but pain after all and we’ve both always hurt the ones we loved. Even now I remember the things you’ve told me.” the redhead went on, running a hand through his long hair to keep them out of his face as he spoke. “And I still agree with you, love is nothing but pain in the end. But what if there are some people who like to hurt themselves?”

It took a moment for Yoshiki to process all those words in his brain. Was hide refering to someone in particular?

“hide, everything ok?” a voice came from behind the closed bathroom door, suddenly interrupting their shared thoughts.  
“I’m fine. You can leave and give me a call later, okay?” hide yelled in order to be heard by Tasuka who then moved away from the door and began to gather his stuff to leave.

Soon there were just the two of them, facing each other in the dim green bathroom light.  
“You’ve made me so miserable.” hide mused, lifting his body off the sink and moving a bit closer to Yoshiki who was still leaning against the cold tile behind him.  
“So miserable and dependant, you make me feel drugged.” he laughed and moved a few inches closer to Hayashi, feeling his shallow breath against the skin of his own neck, feeling the burn of the air he breathed.  
“Maybe this whole thing was supposed to be some sort of a therapy? I doubt that. But you know what, Hayashi?” hide added, making a long pause before finishing his thought, a smile still plastered to his face. But the younger one could see it all in his eyes, the dark eyes shining in the shade of their bodies, shining with sadness.

And even though Hideto had never said those words, Hayashi knew. He would lie if he said he hadn’t noticed it before, he couldn’t deny feeling it on his own skin every time he saw the red haired guitarist. Even though he did, he couldn’t accept it, he didn’t want it. He couldn’t allow that to happen again. What he believed was that he carried some sort of curse on himself, that whoever who loved him would suffer impossibly because of him. It had always been like that; first his own father who’d left the world so early. His mother who’d given him everything she could, even more than that, just to make her son a happy man. Was he? Then his younger brother, constantly neglected because of Yoshiki and his life. How could he hurt more people like that? He couldn’t imagine it again, stealing everything from those who sacrificed their whole lives for him. Wouldn’t it be better if it ended at him simply?If there was no source, there would be no curses after all.

“I couldn’t have done this to you. I’ve told you, I can’t let more people suffer because of me.” Hayashi breathed weakly.  
“But you’ve done that so many times already.” Hideto whispered in reply and bit down on his own lips hard as if he was preventing some more words from leaving his mouth. “Can’t you see? Go on, feed my misery.”

“How can you still say shit like that? hide, I’ve fucking cheated on you!” Yoshiki yelled, punching the wall behind him in fury. That wasn’t the way he was supposed to be, it was him who had to be suffering and not Matsumoto. He grabbed the older man by the arms and shook him, making him look up and meet the drummer’s furious gaze. “What the fuck are you doing?! I denied it all, denied your feelings and hurt you, why are you still doing this?”  
“Yeah, I’m an idiot. So are you, Yocchan.” was the only thing hide managed to say before earning a painful slap from Yoshiki, followed by a grab on his arm again before he was pulled into a kiss, a rough one, a kiss filled with anger and pain of all those times they’d hurt each other. But both of them needed to be hurt even more.

If this was supposed to be his therapy, then so the other one should become his medicine.


End file.
